Hi Sasha –I have a bridal party of 5 girls, and many of us go back many years together. One of my girls in particular, S, I’ve known for over 10 years and we’ve been there for one another throughout good times and bad. S is single and we’ve been there for one another through several bad breakups. S is usually quite sensitive about ex boyfriends and takes pains to ensure that her friends don’t hang around them or date them after she has broken up with them. Fair enough. I’d say I’m the same way where the situation arises (which it never has before), and that I would be in particular with one ex who cheated on me so much with so many randoms during a hard drugs ‘phase’ that I had to be subjected to every possible STD test you could think of after we had broken up, and who caused the police to visit my home and demand to search it and know his whereabouts (also likely due to said hard drugs ‘phase’). We break up, he no longer hangs around my friends, I have no contact with him and neither do they. Or so I thought?
Fast forward to 2014. S has lived in another city since about 2010. She moves back to my city this spring. She has used my ex as a handyman in the past, and has said to me “I knew you wouldn’t care” if she used him, without asking me if I actually did. She then has a housewarming party and invites the ex to attend. And of course, he does. My fiancée and I show up there, with her bridesmaid dress in tow btw, and we stay for an hour or two, but we are a bit uncomfortable with the situation, and we leave. I email S to thank her for inviting us to her housewarming and to let her know that it was really uncomfortable to have the ex there. I let her know that I didn’t think I would be as uncomfortable with it as I was, but that all the bad memories came flooding back and it would be hard for me to ever be ok with him coming back into my life. I said to her I know how she is about exes and that I knew she would understand how I felt and that hopefully his attendance was a one-time thing and wouldn’t happen again.
She responded by saying “I am so sorry that you were uncomfortable and that he still makes you feel that way. I’m glad you can focus on your life with your fiancée and moving forward with someone that makes you so happy!” My questions are: is this situation weird? Should I be upset about it? should I give S the choice of continuing on with whatever relationship she may be having with the ex or remaining in the bridal party? This has really brought toxicity into what should ideally be an exciting, happy time for me and my fiancée and our families in these last 2 months before our wedding, and I don’t think it’s fair or necessary. G
G, all I can do is speculate because there’s really no concrete evidence here that these two are banging. Having said that though, your friend has left a little clue for us to work with and it all lies in the email she sent back to you.
Yah, sure, it was wrapped in positivity and supportive-ness, but at the same time, it couldn't have been more f-cking vague. I mean, if nothing was going on and he was really just fixing her pipes, not the vagina variety, then it should have been really easy for her to explain, with, you know, something like: I took a sh-t, plugged toilet, he came to fix it.
That isn’t what you got, G. Instead she basically brushed it off and gave you a “too bad so sad” response. I don’t know for sure, but that does seem a bit sketch. So here’s what you need to do G - you gotta straight up ask her. Cough that sh-t up and get an answer. If she says no –phew! Hopefully you won't need to sit through that awkward situation again. However if she does fess up to something then, well, you gotta figure out how that really affects your friendship on the good ol’ trust-o-meter.
For me, that sh-t breaks girl code. I wouldn't be cool with it and not because she was just dating one of my old flames, but because she was dating someone who clearly did damage. Look, you’re getting married G, so at this point in time you don’t really get to lay claim on all the past men you've been with – if he was a past boyfriend I would have told you to suck it up and deal with it. But there’s pain involved here, a pain that as your best friend she must have shared with you. So to disregard that and not be woman enough to be upfront about all of this, is pretty f-cking weak.
But whoa whoa whoa, before I get carried away and start throwing shade, again, YOU really need to find out what’s going on. Without hearing her out we have nothing to go on…
G, have a talk with her and we’ll take it from there.
Thanks for writing in! xx