Hi Sasha, I just started dating R. We had a conversation about his plans for his upcoming birthday a couple days before we’d had the conversation about becoming exclusive and he told me that he and his buddies were going to a strip club. He asked me my feelings on that and on lap dances and I told him that I didn’t have a big problem with going to strip clubs every now and then but lap dances for me could be crossing a line when in a relationship. I would never tell my boyfriend what he can and can’t do and especially because at this point we hadn’t even established what we were, I just basically said I’m not a fan but you can do what you want. Now fast forward to the day after his night out with his friends for his birthday and we are now in the very beginning stages of an established relationship. I ask him how his night was (he had been texting me all night telling me he couldn’t wait to see me the next day so I know I was on his mind) and he says he had a great time with the boys but that he’s really not a big fan of the strip club. Feeling a bit relieved I then ask him “so no lap dances then?” and his response “actually, my friends bought me three haha.”

Let’s also keep in mind that this particular strip club is full nudity and full contact, not just some innocent (in comparison) air lap dance with a scantily clad or even topless woman. This is full on naked, dry humping, grinding, bodily fluid, touching, inappropriateness, in my opinion. My issue is that I don’t understand how this is not considered cheating or at least getting into cheating territory. Everything else between us has been incredible and he was totally honest and rather casual about it so it’s not like he was out being a scum bag and then lying about it. Please help!  Thank K


The idea that you should be high-fiving your guy for going to a strip club where he'll have a sexually marginalized 18 year old rub her body on him is totally jacked. I don’t get it, I'm not down for it and K, I don’t think you should be either. And as you pointed out - how is this any different than cheating? It’s not. Tits in face are still tits in face.  

The thing is, I doubt your boyfriend thinks of it this way. Not to get super real on you, but your man and many others have been socially conditioned to think it’s just fun, a-okay behaviour. While I don’t think that excuses his dick being rubbed up on, if I were you I’d wipe the slate clean (this time) and start over, but first let him know exactly how you feel. Like K, you gotta drop some feminist science on his ass. And just to be clear, I'm not anti-strip clubs at all, but I do think there's a big difference between Magic Mike and what kind of club your boyfriend went to. Let's revisit your description of this club again: "This is full on naked, dry humping, grinding, bodily fluid, touching". For me, that crosses the line from just good ol’ Rihanna pole dancing to straight up using his dick as a pole. 

Listen, in any new relationship it takes a while to set boundaries because neither person wants to be a controlling buzz kill, but K, this is some low level basic sh-t. If you're not down with him cold chillin' with naked women then he has to be on board with that too, otherwise this relationship will be doomed. The good news is, I have a feeling this will be an easy thing to nip in the bud. By the sounds of it he’s very into you and unlikely to put up a fight, but if he does, well, let me leave you with some MC Lyte for some emotional ammo to ditch his ass: