Hey Sasha, my boyfriend of three years broke up with me a few weeks ago. Basically, he said he wasn't happy, that he thought he should have seen other girls before he got together with me and that he wished I would change and be a different person. I was devastated but then found myself having more energy and feeling more sure of myself than I had in a very long time. I couldn't figure out why until I realized that it was because I didn't have my boyfriend putting me down every day. Some of family have suggested that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He was always making me feel like I wasn't good enough and that I didn't do anything right. Just when I thought I had done something "right" enough for him he moved the bar another ten feet.
About 4 days after the breakup he texts me saying he's sorry, he didn't mean what he said, he loves me and that he will change. When I tell him we need to stay broken up he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about - says that we didn't break up, he just thought it was argument that went too far and that we must have had a miscommunication. I don't text him back but he shows up at my house on my birthday a few days later with a huge bouquet of flowers and a card. I just don't know what to do anymore. Should I forgive him?
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We’ve all heard the saying: when people show you who they are the first time, believe them. A, this couldn't be truer in your situation. Your boyfriend has showed you time and time again that he’s a dick, so seriously dude, believe him.
I mean, just with the little you've told me I can tell that he’s a big ol’ waste of your time. Not only is he not ready to commit, but he’s also manipulative, controlling and as your family has noted, emotionally abusive. None of this makes for a good partner let alone a good relationship.
The funny thing is buddy’s behaviour is textbook – it actually is called hoovering - look it up here. Basically what happens is they dispose of you and then try to suck you back in again. And of course he’s going to come running back, of course he’s going to tell you how much he loves you, but just because he’s offering up his version of love, doesn't mean you should accept it.
So A, what you need to do now is hold steady and be proud of all the restraint you've exhibited so far and remain strong. Make sure to keep away from him, don’t answer his texts, don’t call him and don’t meet up with him. I know it’s hard, but just keep yourself busy, make sure to have your friends keep you in check, and f-ck, enjoy this time to get to know yourself again.
Thanks for writing in and keep me posted! xx
