My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years and have been living together for the past few months. Things are amazing between us and we've talked about getting married in the future. Last week, I was going through his desk to make room for some files of mine when I noticed two books stuffed behind his files. Yes, I snooped and came up with a 12 step addiction book and a sexaholics anonymous book. I freaked out and he explained to me that when he was with his ex-gf, she caught him jerking off to porn and then made him to go a 12 step Sex anonymous class and made him believe he was addicted. Now, I have no problem whatsoever with getting your rocks off to porn (heck, I do it too on the regular). He doesn't believe he was addicted and yeah, he still watches porn (totally cool) but is not a porn addict. Ok, fine. I asked him if he ever had cyber-sex and he said no. I'm fine with cybersex if you're single but I count it as cheating if you're in a relationship. But that's just me. So the other day, god damnit I was in his desk again and I came across his journal. Ugh. WHY DID I LOOK? But I did. In it, he says he indulged in paid cybersex which grosses me the fuck out. Like I said, I don't care if you have cybersex, but when you're with someone? That sh-t is whack. And he divulged a lot of info of what other porn-type sh-t he did. And by the look of things, he spend a sh-t ton of time looking at porn, like at work, calling off social stuff with friends to look at it. Stuff like that. Should I be worried that he might be addicted to porn? I don't know what to do. Thanks for your help, V
___
This all comes down to what you are okay with V, and if you ask me it doesn't seem like you’re okay with any of it. Is he a porn addict? Sure as hell sounds like it.
I know you started this letter off with “things are amazing between us” but it can't be all that amazing if you're snooping around his sh-t. Something about his behaviour was obviously sketching you out and now that you've discovered what you've discovered, well, I think it’s time for you to get real and figure out what you want to do with this relationship.
Look, you’re obviously not a prude when it comes to porn so I trust that you have a good gauge on what’s healthy. So when you ask me if I think he’s addicted to porn, well um, all you need to do is look at the facts. The guy went through a twelve step program – and sorry, but people don’t just go to a program like that to appease their girlfriends. But more importantly he admits in his own handwriting that he was consumed by it 24/7 to the point where he was basically blowing off life to jerk off. I mean, there’s the proof in the splooge pudding if you ask me.
Then we get to the cybersex and this is seemingly the big no-no for you, and it should be because let me remind you V, he is PAYING FOR THIS which certainly counts as cheating in my books and more importantly in yours as well. Sooooo, then, what else is there left to say…?
Look, I get that this is all a shock to your system and that you’re trying to pretend that you don’t know how this all makes you feel. Of course you do. Seriously, I’ve just spent my entire answer basically repeating everything you told me in your letter. So you know and I know that you're not down with any of your man's behaviour. It makes you worried that he might have a porn addiction, scared that you feel like you don’t know him anymore and grossed out that he would be paying for cybersex. Dude, these are all totally reasonable reactions, so all I’m asking from you is to not back away from the reality of this situation and to stop ignoring or making excuses for how all of this makes you feel. Once you can own up to all of that, I have no doubt you’ll know exactly what to do with this relationship.
Thanks for writing in and keep your questions coming to [email protected].
