Dear Sasha, My boyfriend (J) and I have been together on and off for 8 years. We broke up twice; the first time lasted over a year and the second time almost 9 months. We got back together 3 months ago, and things were going very well until he me told last week that he got a girl pregnant.

I started dating someone else when we were broken up but it didn’t work because I couldn’t stop thinking about J. When J and I got back together, we wanted to start fresh, and we’ve even been talking about trying to start a family. I told him about the guy I had dated, and asked if he had been seeing someone else. He swore to me he hadn’t. That was a lie.  That girl is now 4 months pregnant with his kid.

J’s my best friend. We met in high school and started dating in college. I’m now 27, and he’s pretty much the only adult relationship I’ve ever had.  He’s only man I’ve ever really been in love with and I can’t really picture myself growing old with anyone else but him… but now I don’t know what to do.   He said he’ll contribute financially to raising the child, but nothing more. He said he’ll do anything not to lose me… I don’t know what to do. I’m deeply hurt that he’s going to be the father of someone else’s child, and I don’t want to be someone’s step mother, but I also couldn’t live with myself knowing I’m the reason a kid’s growing up without his/her dad… I feel completely lost right now. I don’t want to lose J… what do you think I should do, Sasha? X


I hope to God, you’d want to be with a man who was man enough to own his sh-t and make it right. And the manly thing is to NOT abandon a tiny human being. Please tell me you not only understand this, but won’t stand for this as an option. Put your anger and resentment aside -- you cannot let him do that. He needs to be there financially and emotionally for HIS child. The end.   
If we agree on that then we can move on to the particulars of your relationship with him, deal?

Okay, good. 

First up, a reality check: this fresh start that you hoped for? Well, it’s not going to be so fresh. I’m not saying you guys can’t move on from this, but sh-t is going to be complicated. From re-establishing the trust in your own relationship to balancing his relationship with the mother of his child, homie, there is going to be some f-cking work ahead.

So X, if he really is your ride or die partner for life then you have to know that’s what you’re signing up for. All of it. And if that means marrying him one day, then yes, that means being a step-mother too.

Ultimately the decision is up to you – I can’t make it for you. But don’t go into this thinking you can cherry pick the aspects of the relationship you want to be a part of. You’re either all in or all out.

Thanks for writing in and please, keep me posted!! xx