Dear Sasha,

Back in high school, I was best friends with a girl 'Polly', and in a serious  relationship (of the high school variety) with a guy 'Larry'. Larry and I broke up, painfully, when we went off to college. Polly and I drifted apart, and she went to the same college as Larry. They had a one-night stand at some point in the college years.

Fast forward a dozen years, and Larry and I have been back together for three years and are now blissfully married. However, Polly is still in our extended social circle. Her husband is close friends with Larry and they were even invited to our wedding. I have never confronted Polly about the one-night stand, and we maintain a completely cordial, superficial relationship when we cross paths at social events. Larry and I have discussed the one-night stand before, he's the one who told me a few years ago about it, and I have zero concern over his fidelity or relationship with Polly. My issue is, I'm still pissed about Polly breaking girl code. Some of this is likely misplaced anger at Larry for putting me in this situation. But I would like to know how I can get over this fairly ancient event that unfortunately I am reminded of every couple of months when we see Polly and her husband. P   


T, the question I have for you is: if they both equally played a part in the betrayal why doesn't she get to be forgiven too?

I know logic doesn't always factor in when emotions are involved, but I can't help but notice that when a situation like this goes down, the privilege of forgiveness is always given to the significant other and very rarely the friend. Why the imbalance? It's something to think about. 

All I'm saying is that if you're doling the forgiveness out then you really have no good reason not to give her a chance at as well. I mean, unless you're telling me she's always been a scab and this was her final straw??? Buuuuut you haven't really indicated that. I'm not saying what either of them did back in the day was kosher, as you know, I'm all for girl code, but again, how about f-cking boyfriend code? 

Look, at the end of the day you get to choose who you want in your life and forgiveness doesn't mean that she has to be your best friend again. It just means that you finally get to let go of this seriously old baggage.