Sasha Answers: My marriage isn’t fulfilling

Sasha Posted by Sasha at February 29, 2012 16:14:03 February 29, 2012 16:14:03

Hi Sasha, 5 years ago I married M. He and I got along so well- we did a ton of travelling and moving about and it always worked out. So when I got pregnant, we got married. At the time I was naive about marriage and parenthood. At the time I really had no idea who I was or what I needed from life.  
Now: M works away for weeks on end. It’s common for us to go a month without seeing him. Subsequently, I'm a stay-at-home mom to two young kids.  I miss work, desperately.  It's all day, every day, every night, being everything to these kids. When he is home, the tension is palpable. I don’t feel like he has a right to hop in and start parenting. I don’t feel like he has a right to bitch about the amount of sex we're not having. I'm exhausted.  He, on the other hand, doesn't feel like I have a right to bitch about anything. Because "Holy crap! Your life is awesome! You don't work!" I don't have a life, either.
I don't find my husband attractive anymore (even though he's totally hot). I resent this situation and I'm rebelling against it. Recently I've been keeping in contact with a guy who... I hooked up with for years before meeting M. There's history; there's intense chemistry. He is an old, dear friend who knows how to turn me on like crazy. And I need this right now. Make no mistake: he is a symptom of my fragile state and not a cause.
Question: Is this a natural part of the ebb and flow of marriage? Or is it time to roll off the beaten path and make something of myself?  Sincerely, E.

It’s strange how long it takes to establish a great relationship, and how easy it can be to mess it all up.  Somehow along the way people forget how to be good to each other.  E, it’s clear that you’re not only unhappy in your marriage, but also in other facets of your life. However nowhere in your letter does it sound like you’re doing anything to improve it.   

The no-brainer advice here is for you and your man to go see a relationship counselor.  It’s obvious that both your communication skills are in need of some help.  Both of you are screaming for what you want, but no one is being heard.   Look, I’m all for leaving someone if you no longer see a future, but to be honest I don’t even think you have a full grip of the present right now.  

So what I’m asking from you is to give therapy a go, listen to what you both want and need, and go from there. Maybe in the end you’ll decide it’s not worth the effort and I’ll have your back, but until then you need to exhaust all your options before throwing in the towel.  

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to feel like a single mother when you still have a husband. Talk about abandonment and resentment. That’s a harsh reality and I’m not here to excuse his behavior, but having said that I can’t excuse yours either.    

When things get sh-tty it doesn’t mean you should go make things shittier and E, that’s exactly what you’re doing by inviting this past fling back into your life. Don’t fool yourself; you don’t need this right now. I promise this will only make things WAY more complicated. So out of respect for your husband and your two children….don’t go there.  

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