I'm wondering how best to deal with my totally self-absorbed sister in law.  I am not the type to complain to my husband about her, as she is his sister and he loves her.  In fact, I don't talk about her negatively at all to him, as I don't play that.  She is, outwardly, a nice enough person, but is just so wrapped up in herself that I just don't even want to be near her at all.  My father died recently and she still hasn't even called to give sympathy, or to ask how I'm doing.  I have two young children who she never bothers to call about and I don't think she's ever wished me a happy birthday in the 6 years I've known her.  However, her birthday rolls around and we all have to trot out to go to a big birthday extravaganza.  This sounds like jealousy, it isn't, I have friends who I spend my birthday with, but it's the expectation that annoys me.  
Holidays roll around and my husband and I do all the dinner clean up and her and her lazy ass husband just sit there drinking. I get a little annoyed.  I just don't understand how you can't lift a finger to help when you see others working.   I can't avoid her for the rest of my life, and I'm not expecting her to change, but I'm just wondering how to have an amicable, family like relationship with her when she annoys the piss out of me !K

I was obviously watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey last week and believe it or not I learned a real valuable lesson that applies directly to your predicament, K. (Lainey: another example of Sasha’s high-brow taste in television.)

Let me break it down quick:  This season has centered on the beef between delusional nut-bag Teresa and her brother’s wife Melissa.  These two women hate each other and go at it like Lindsay Lohan on a crack pipe.  They keep on trying to make amends for the sake of Joe (brother/husband), but it never works because they can’t erase from their minds all the sh-tty things they’ve said to each other.  

Ding Ding Ding…

K, this is what I need you to take away from these trashbags.  Unless you have some super important, cause and effect life changing thing to say to her, like, ‘Hey Blank, your breath stinks, here’s a tic tac’ - then zip your sh-t up tight.  

If you try and point out all her bad qualities, let me warn you that you won’t be able to un-ring that bell.  There’s no nice way of telling someone that you can’t stand them.  It’s not like she’ll take your nugget of truth, and for the benefit of you, turn into some non-lazy birthday remembering person.  No, instead, the dislike will fester until it blows up into a giant sh-t storm.  Trust a sister on this one, okay?

Listen, every now and then we have to put up with some bullsh-t, especially when it comes to family.  You’re not always going to like the people you have to spend your holidays with, but as grown-ups we need to learn how to deal with those kinds of situations.  

So I’m sorry to say, K, but I think you need to suck it up.   Keep your interactions with her pleasant and brief and try to not let her get to you.  That’s all you can do.

Hope this helps xx