I really need some help here.  a few months back i met a guy online – we live in two different states.  We've shared pics and skyped and but you can never be sure about the chemistry or how the person will REALLY be once you meet.   He came to visit me here in Portland last weekend and I wasn't feeling him as much in person.  But I practically love the person he is on the phone and honestly i feel like our personalities match up well and we get each other.  I just don’t know if the physical spark is there. 

I’m 36 and all my life it seems i've been sexually attracted to the ones who were bad for me and the really great ones i cut loose because there is never any fire.   He sees that i have a wall and he's ready and willing to break it down.  and i haven't met someone this emotionally intelligent in a long time.  what do i do???  V


If you’re really serious about a relationship, then it’s time to shed your rather immature fondness for “bad boys” because honestly, at 36, it's not a cool thing to say anymore.  Sure, we've all notched a few of those on our bed posts, but as you well know, guys like that are only fun for a quick minute.

So here’s the thing V, I can only go from what you’ve told me, and from what I can deduct your radar is way off  when it comes to picking the right dudes.  Which brings me to this whole spark situation….I have to ask,  is this spark you’re looking for in this guy the same spark you found in all your past relationships? Because um, if it is, we’ve got a problem. 

I don’t know about you, but what I looked for in my 20s was way the hell different than what I wanted a decade later.  And V, I can’t help but worry that you still think a guy treating you like sh-t is some kind of catch.  Spoiler alert:  it ain’t.  

Look, of course you need to have chemistry, of course you need to have those butterflies - all I’m saying is that I think it takes more than one face-to-face meeting to ignite that spark.  For me, the spark isn’t about what he looks like or what kind of heat he’s packing in his pants.  To me it's about finding someone who makes me laugh, someone who treats me with respect, and someone who is willing to go the long haul.  That is the spark that ignites the fire for a long lasting, strong relationship.  Ya dig? 

I’m not saying this guy is the one, but sh-t homie, at least give him a couple more tries before you dust him off.  I leave you with a quote from Rob Lowe who was interviewed in Toronto the other week by a beauty blog called “I am a Beauty Geek”.  I obviously don’t know if Rob Lowe is a good husband or not, but what he had to say about finding The One in my opinion is right on:

“It’s all about casting. I married my best friend. That will always be there. The other stuff comes and goes, but if you have that, then you’re way out of the gate. My only real out and out advice is that if you’re out there and you’re dating, and you’re romantically interested in your best friend, that’s the person. Close the deal.”