Sasha, I f-cked up big time and I really need someone objective to tell me the truth.
Background: I’ve been married for 9 years to my college sweetheart. Our relationship was always great. Best friends, same values etc. We had a full, happy life together. Until we had children. Both of our kids have severe health issues and for the past five years our marriage has crumbled under the constant stress and weight of caring for them. Friendships have gradually faded because we fell off the map when the kids were born, trying to figure out what was wrong, spending all our time and money on medication, specialists, etc. We became totally isolated. Things with the kids have stabilized now but my husband and I have withdrawn so far from one another our marriage is barely hanging on. We have been to counseling but we just go in circles. It’s heartbreaking to me that we are so far apart.
There has been one bright spot. Over the past year there is another couple we have become friends with. I worked with the husband (I’ll call him C) years ago before we had kids. Years passed and we lost touch, but recently I connected with C’s wife on social media. Our friendship with this couple has been a welcome relief from the chaos and darkness of these past five years.
The last time we got together C’s wife and my husband were both running late so C and I were alone chatting, drinking wine, waiting for them to arrive. And then C grabbed me and kissed me. At first I thought he was joking. But he pushed me up against the island in my own kitchen and kissed me, like full body contact, hands in my hair, moaning in my mouth. And I let him. And I kissed him back, eagerly. When we pulled apart I was turned on and mortified and completely in shock. He just winked and acted like it was no big deal, and I guess I tried to do the same. But that whole night I was a wreck and now I can barely look my husband in the eye.
I hate myself for not stopping him. It was just a stupid, selfish thing to do. And that kiss was amazing. Probably the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life. Please help me Sasha… I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
You know how I feel about cheating. It’s not only a low-down shady thing to do, but it also reeks of weakness and S, you have been in a state of weakness for a very long time. Here's the thing though – I don’t blame you; it sounds like life has been pretty stressful these last few years. Do I think you’re a slimy cheating wife? No. Instead I think you’re a person who has gone through some hefty sh-t who got caught up in a really crazy moment and instead of pulling away….you let go. You let go of all your problems and let go into a few hot seconds of some joy.
Again, the circumstance and how that joy came about totally suck – I think we can all agree on that – but I can’t help but feel like you kind of deserve a little bit of joy. So S, my hope for you is that you can bottle up that feeling again but this time try to find it in your marriage, in your children and in your life.
And the first step to getting there is to come clean and tell your husband what happened. I know you don't want to, but you have to.
It’s not like you fronted on C; I mean, he pretty much jumped your bones. So I would just tell your husband exactly what you told me, well, minus the “amazing kiss” part of it. From there you’ll just have to see where the chips fall and you know what, if this means your relationship takes its final tumble then maybe that’s not such a bad thing. As it stands right now, there’s not much to save anyway – it’s pretty damaged – so maybe, just maybe, this will be a jolt to get it back together so that you both can put some work in and face what’s going on.
I hope this helps and holler back my way after you’ve done this and we’ll take it from there.
Thanks for writing in and to the rest of you keep your questions coming to [email protected].