Sasha Answers: getting rid of a friend

Sasha Posted by Sasha at November 23, 2011 13:56:30 November 23, 2011 13:56:30

Sasha,I have got a major problem that I defs need some advice.  I lived with the same group of girls all through university, all friends. But you know how it is, there's always one person in each group who doesn’t fit in and tends to be the butt-end of jokes. There was this one girl we lived with that fit this mould-- she didnt share in the same type of humor as everyone else, she was a super prude and was super pretentious and didn’t ENJOY to EAT (not in an ano way, just in that she ate plain pieces of chicken everyday and gagged when we cooked up something truly delicious). Now that we're all done at school and all living in different cities, we assumed it would be really easy to rid our little group of her but it’s actually a lot harder.

I've rationalized with all of my friends that if what we're concerned about is hurting this girls feelings or being mean, than we need to re-evaluate our current situation-- being nice to this girls face and being her fake friend and talking sh-t behind her back is WAY more mean than just not being friends with her at all. It’s not as if she did anything to offend anyone or whatever, really its just that she's boring and she doesn't share the same interests as the rest of the group (for example: practicing table manners or the enjoyment of food). Everyone agrees that we need to cut the cord and just let her find new friends who actually enjoy her company, but NO ONE will actually do anything about it. Everytime we have an event or whatnot someone brings up "What about HER" and everyone chickens out about not inviting her so we do invite her and then regret it and then feel like bigger assholes for doing so.

Now, here's the current dilemma--> she's just sent us all an invite to a "reunion dinner party" at her place. My gut is telling me to respond as not attending but then I worry that none of my other friends will not follow suit and we'll be in the same vicious cycle as before. I know I'm not being crazy, the whole purpose of unfriending her is NICER than what we're currently doing but we really really need some advice here. I don't know how to unfriend someone without (a.) being mean (b.) outcasting myself as uber bitch. HELP ME! I BEG OF YOU! T

T, you know I’m all for cutting dead weight, but why do you have to play this girl?  I feel so so bad for her.  Like, I get that she might not be you and your friend’s cup of tea, but why does that mean you have to cut her out entirely?

Sure, fine, don’t invite her to the more intimate outings, I’m cool with fading her out that way, but why can’t she be invited to the bigger social gatherings?  I mean, there are always at least a handful of people that are socially awkward at every social event I go to, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect them enough to be nice and friendly.  I don’t think that’s being two-faced, I think that’s just being polite.   But I guess the bigger point I want to make, and the thing I want you to take away here is:  why do you even have to talk about her behind her back? Why is that something you are doing?  I don’t really get that.     

As for the current dilemma, I think you all should go.  She obviously doesn’t have any close friends, so why not throw her a bone.  You’re telling me she’s not a bad or mean person, just a bit of a snooze, right?  So, I don’t think that it would kill your group of gal pals to suck it up for one night.  I get that you don’t want to spend every waking moment of your free time with her, but once every few months isn’t that big of a deal.  

T, I think the real reason that why you’re struggling with this is because you know that if you freeze her out entirely, it’s just as you say, uber bitchy.  Just calling it as I see it.  Hope we can still be friends.  xx

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