Breakups, long distance & other guy is more fun

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 9, 2011 12:07:39 May 9, 2011 12:07:39

Written by Sasha

Dear Sasha, my Ex and I were together for nearly 8 years when he split in October. The date he left is actually pretty easy to remember since ---wait for it --- it was my birthday.
So that was just over 5 months ago now and I'm a super Hot Mess (less hot, more mess). Even though I wasn't perfectly content in our relationship, I miss him so much that I feel like my heart is going to explode. Here are my questions...

1 - The main reason he left me was because of my weight. I have some health issues and medications and the like have caused me to balloon up in size over the years. Do I just need to lose weight to feel better or was my Ex just a douchenozzle for blaming our problems on my weight?

2- To make things more complicated, we have an 8 year old chocolate lab who we both adore like crazy. Now that the waters have calmed and nobody is throwing around accusations and names, I have started letting him take the dog more often. Seeing him and talking normally has made me really want to build a friendship with Ex but everyone else in my life is being super judgy and so I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help it that I want to be around him, but when I do I always do something to hurt myself... Like ask about him being with other women (which he has) and if he was careful (which he wasn't) and find out how much he's been drinking and on and on. So can we be friends? Can we still share the dog and keep enough distance to be "safe"? Any advice would be appreciated! SC

There's no getting around it - breakups suck. The hours you spend agonizing over every detail, the guilty woulda-coulda-shouldas, and of course the endless tears. But SC, you’re not alone - we’ve all been there and while it hurts like hell while you're going through it, it does get better. And sh-t girl, it’s only been 5 months! You owe yourself a bit more grieving time, so try not to be too hard on yourself.

Just as an aside: The general equation for the length of time it takes to *really* get over someone is: Length of relationship x .5 = 100% normal

Look, when you’re with someone for a long time it’s really hard to wrap your head around the fact that you’re alone again, and the trap so many fall into is thinking that a friendship with the EX will make it easier. I’m of the mindset that an ex is an ex for a reason, so I don’t think friendships fresh after breakups are all that realistic though there are some who can make it work after a bit of time. But if you ask me AC? You’re definitely not in that place.

And…… sh-t yo! Asking your ex if he’s dating?!?! Why do we all do this? Why do we like to torture ourselves?

I know you'd love him to say that he’s depressed, he f-cked up, he wants you back ….but let me just put it this way, it’s more likely for you to sh-t out diamonds before he says any of that.

So here’s the dilly SC. I hope there's room, cuz I'm jumping on the judgy bandwagon as well. Right now, you just don't have enough YOU back to be around him. It will only prolong the healing process. Trust me.

As for the dog, I’m sure you can set up a situation where you can leave the key in a secret spot so he can pick up and drop off the dog without you ever seeing him. And if that’s not possible, keep things brief when he comes over for custody visits. No small talk. No asking about other girls. It’s as easy as that - don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Now to your first question. If your ex broke up with you because of your weight then that’s just lame. I’ve tackled a situation similar to this here. I get the loss of attraction and I think it’s warranted to break up IF and only IF the partner has made efforts to support the weight loss. But SC, if your dude just left, then I’m guessing he wasn’t all that invested in the first place. From what I gather, it doesn’t sound like he even gave you a fighting chance.

I don’t know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but he sounds like a bit of a dink. Anyone who chooses to break up with you ON YOUR BIRTHDAY after you've spent nearly a decade together sounds pretty insensitive.

You need to accept and realize that he just wasn’t the right one for you; once you grasp that, things will start to look up. And you can’t wallow - you have to start moving on. I’ve always found PRIDE to be the best motivator. Whenever I’ve had my ass dumped I always reminded myself that if he was moving on, then I sure as hell would too. There was no freaking way I’d be the only loser-face stuck in some emotional hole.

So SC, you've got to buck up now.

And if I could just leave you all with a parting thought. If there is one thing we should all look for in a partner it is unconditional support. It’s so so so important to find someone who’s your cheerleader, who’s got your back, and makes you feel safe. So put that on your non-negotiable check list.

A bit of a back story to start here…I met a guy while I was on vacation 5 years ago, we totally hit it off and kept in contact right after meeting. He was married at the time of us meeting, and I really couldn’t do that to someone but he insisted on wanting to be friends. For almost a year we’d email back and forth and chat once in a while on the phone. I made a plan for a trip to his country with a big group of people and I thought it would be a great way for us to be able to see and hang out again. His relationship with his then wife was going down the tubes and I was there as a support for him all that time. While there we hit it off real well but I was dating someone at the time (and him with his wife) so nothing really happened. Two days after I leave, he leaves his wife and tells me he did it for other reasons than just so he could be with me. Shocker, yes. I told him it was too much at the moment and I was in a relationship…which oddly ended a few weeks after I got home from this trip (I was dumped). About 4 months after he had left his wife he came to visit me and we started a relationship.

So we’ve been long distance the entire time we’ve been together, and we actually got married about 2 years ago now and the plan is to be going over there later this year. Now here’s my problem…I’ve never had a reason to doubt our relationship and I have never thought he would step out on me, but lately he has been acting all sorts of strange. He’s very much the type to contact me every day (kind of have to when you don’t live in the same country) and we talk all the time. Lately I feel like he’s been avoiding me. Not contacting me as often as he used to and is always out of the house for hours on end without really telling me what’s up. I have the overwhelming feeling of doom right now where my guts are just not happy because of the stress. I’ve already brought up his strange behavior, or how it feels strange to me and he tells me there is nothing going on and to stop worrying.

I have no idea what to do right now to put my mind at rest. I don’t want to contact mutual friends over there to check up on him because that just feels way too shaddy, Any words of wisdom to help me sleep at night?

Damn, this is a tough situation because on one hand he could be doing the same thing he did to his ex-wife, OR you could just be getting a case of the long distance crazies.

Either way, the distance between the two of you is not good for the relationship. So, can you please cart your ass out there sooner than later?!

Now I’m gonna go with the premise that you don’t have a weirdo-jealous past and if that’s the case, I can’t deny these gut feelings of yours. Look, I don’t know if he’s inserting his wang into any glory holes, but there is a chance that he is getting his flirt on. Is that ideal? No, but long distance relationships are hard because people get WEAK. You know what they say...absence makes the heart go wander.

So here’s the deal moving forward. If buddy IS doing something…. he’s not going to fess up to it, so keep an eye out for clues. If you find anything substantial then confront him, but for right now calling him out for being ‘distant’ is going to get you no where. The only thing it will do is make him more distant until it all spirals into one sh-t storm.

I would have another conversation with him and tell him that you feel neglected and you need him to put in more effort. I.e., calling more, answering his phone… I mean, these aren’t big requests; it’s pretty much common courtesy.

When it comes down it though L, unless you find some glaring evidence he’s creeping, I unfortunately think you’re going to have to wait it out until your living in the same country.

Hope it all works out and keep me posted!

I've been with my boyfriend E for four years, and we've been living together for over two of those years. He's a really great guy; he treats me with respect, shows affection, makes me laugh every single day, supports me in everything I do. But here's the thing: when he gets stressed, he tends to close up and ignore me for weeks at a time. And he gets stressed fairly easily, so this isn't a rare occurrence. He just started a difficult four-year university degree, so his stress levels are high all the time. Not only does that affect our communication, but our sex life as well; I basically have to beg for it. I've tried talking to him about it, but all he says is, "I'm stressed and tired all the time. It's not you, I promise." I believe him about that, but it doesn't help the situation. This makes me worry a lot about the future; I'm actually *worried* that he's going to propose this year but I'm not sure he's who I want to spend my life with.

No doubt as a result of all this feeling ignored, I've developed a massive crush on one of his football teammates. This guy (let's call him Zac) and I get along really well; when there's a big group hang-out, we always end up talking. This weekend, E and I had a huge argument about going out with the football team on Saturday night. I ended up going without him, and as soon as I got to the bar, Zac came over immediately. We flirted all night, and while there was no inappropriate touching or anything, I wouldn't have behaved like that in front of E. Zac even sent me a few cute text messages after we'd gone our separate ways. I am feeling a little guilty about that night, but I wouldn't take it back, because it was the best night I've had in a long time.

I have no idea what to do. I still love E, but we've been more like roommates for months now. I worry about throwing away something that has been so valuable to me for years, but I am extremely uncertain about the future. So. Um. If you could tell me what to do with my life, that'd be great, thanks. AG

If you ask me, that's a red alert. In my life, as soon as I start seriously checking out other dudes, I know the expiration date is up.

Now I’m not saying you should break it off with E immediately, but you do need to tread carefully. Obviously you’re not too happy with the state of your relationship, but that doesn’t give you a green light to get your rocks off with someone else. And while you may have not ‘done’ anything yet, you’re getting very close to that line with Zac. And AG, of course Zac seems more exciting right now. He's hot, he's new but just remember he hasn’t unloaded his baggage yet, so who the f-ck knows what he’s really like. All I’m saying here is if you keep doing what you're doing, it's gonna get messy. So BE CAREFUL. You don’t want to do something you’d regret.

Relationships are a lot of work and a pain in the ass at times; they can lull into a boring phase, but that still doesn’t mean you can just abandon your mate. Personally, I say you need to put more effort into your current relationship and see if you guys can power through this rough patch. You do owe him that.

It could take a month or it could take six months for things to become clearer; either way, time is on your side and it's what you need to sort things out before making any quick decisions.

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