Written by Sasha
Hi Sasha, I'm looking for perspective on a matter and really hope you can help. My husband's best friend was in and out of our lives till about 5 years ago. 5 years ago the friend stopped calling or coming around. My husband still maintains contact with him and I think they call/see each other every few months. A little while ago my husband disclosed that during an argument with me he met up with this friend to complain about me and the marriage and his friend told him that he does not like me and thinks my husband can do better. The friend also disclosed that his dislike of me is why he doesn't come around anymore. When I heard this I was genuinely hurt and confused as up until 5 years ago the guy couldn't sing my praises enough. The only thing I can think of is that when my husband is upset with me or the marriage (which has happened a lot in the past 5 years) he calls his friend up to complain and the friend is only hearing the bad stuff. I am upset that the friend would take such an active stance against me or my marriage and is encouraging my husband to leave me. Since hearing about the friend's comments I learned that my husband continues to meet up with his friend once ever few months to hang out. I am so angry about this and see it as a betrayal to me and our marriage...do I have a right to be upset? Every marriage has it's ups and downs and god knows my family and friends don' t like some of the things my husband has done over the years (or not done) but they would never take that type of stand as it is not conducive to healing. For whatever reason this guy is considered my husband's best friend...my husband has told me that he will be in his life forever...I feel like this friendship can only fracture us as they have their private meetings and god knows what the guy tells him...please let me know what you think and what I should do....I am so confused and hurt over this situation and I really value your opinion. Yours truly, D
It’s never fun finding out someone hates you, but my general stance on issues of this nature is WHO F*CKING CARES. Look, not everyone is going to love you and obviously this friend has his own reasons for disliking you. Whether his feelings are unfounded or not is irrelevant, because the fact is you shouldn’t allow an outsider to have this much power in your relationship.
It’s obviously not cool he’s being so vocal about his hate, but if your husband could be easily pressured to leave you because of what this sh-t-disturber has to say, well, that’s the bigger issue in my opinion. I mean, I guess you could bar your husband from ever seeing this guy, but then aren’t you just handing this friend more proof for his pudding?
If I can be really honest for a moment, it seems like you and your husband have some deeper problems at hand. If every few months he’s making some big complaint about you, then damn, what’s with that?! So D, instead of worrying about what this dweeb friend has to say, I think you need to spend your energy on making your relationship with your man, stronger. You know?
So sit down and let him know that he needs to have your back. It’s important for you to express that while the relationship has its ups and downs, he should never allow someone to outright disrespect you. If he doesn’t get that, then again, your issue is with him, not his friend. Start re-focusing your energy on your marriage and deal with what’s really going on inside it. Once you’ve done that I think you’ll realize you’ve tackled the real problem.
Last December I went home for the holidays a bit overweight (165# at 5’1”), and I have this insufferable cousin who is genetically super thin and basically made it a point to let everyone pay attention to how much weight I’ve gained to anyone who would listen, and coming from an Asian family—that means everyone will make a comment on how “fat” I have become, but then tell me it’s ok because my face looks better round. Anyway, her annoying habits also include frequent stories on how people tell her how young she looks (she’s my age, 29, but looks 12, mostly because she has no boobs) and how young boys always try to hit on her everywhere she goes (creepy). She makes it a point to tell everyone how she can handle her liquor and is just really obnoxious about just talking incessantly to present herself as “cool”, while coveting the status of a “nerd” etc… Needless to say, she annoys the sh-t out of me, and my sisters whenever we are at a family gathering, and now even on facebook. All the aunts and uncles like her, because they consider her the “good” girl, mostly because she never dated when we were younger, didn’t have a lot of friends, while my sisters and I always had “fun”, which essentially meant that we were “wild. Since we were children, our parents set us up to compete with each other, and up until high school, she was basically “winning” this crazy game of “my child is better than yours”—fast forward to now, she is a career student switching from major to major living at home with her ‘rents, working as an events usher for the past 8 years, and has accomplished nothing. My sisters and I worked our asses off and graduated from university and all have decent careers or building one. Still, she never outgrew the competition—and so instead of accomplishments, she changed it to weight and looking younger than the rest of us. I think the tipping point for me was this weekend, when, after running my first half marathon (and finishing in 2 hrs 16 minutes, I might add), she essentially focused all her comments on how I didn’t run a full marathon, and how she is thinking of running a full one blah blah blah… She did this over facebook, and some of my friends sent me personal messages asking me what is wrong with her and why is she all up in my fb wall posting these comments. How do I tell this annoying relative that she needs to grow up and stop her obsession with her young looks and thinness and competition? or am I the one that needs to grow up and just ignore her? P
I feel bad dissing a member of your family but jeez, your cousin sounds like a totally annoying try-hard. She’s dyingggg for any sort of attention and while that’s irritating as all hell, I can’t help but feel really sad for her.
You talk a lot of this competition and first things first, you need to own up to the fact that you’re playing too. You’ve basically just written an entire letter telling me that you and your sisters have won this latest round. I’m not dogging you out, I just need you to realize that you’ve probably played a few rounds of ‘I’m better than you’ too.
It’s also pretty glaring to me that your cousin has probably felt left-out for years when it comes to you and your sisters. I’m not saying that gives her the right to be a total brat, but it does explain her very textbook tactics of trying to get your attention. Too bad she constantly goes about it the wrong way….
So what to do moving forward.
I say pick your battles. You don’t need to make a big deal out of everything that comes out of her mouth, but when something really bothers, call her on it. The latest piss off seems to be about the marathon. So nip that sucker in the bud and just be really upfront and honest. Tell her that what she wrote on FB was pretty insulting and unsupportive and that you would never (wink) do that to her. Hopefully she’ll apologize.
Here comes part two of the plan. When it comes time for her marathon, even if you have to say it gritting your teeth, congratulate her. Now that you’re all grown ups it’s time to at least TRY to change the dynamic of this relationship. So first thing to get rid of is this ‘competition’. Look, it doesn’t exist if you take yourself out of the game, so you need to do that. Hopefully when you do you’ll see a change in her behaviour as well.
Hope this helps and keep me posted!
I work at a restaurant which we will call Shenanigans for privacy purposes. I've worked there for a couple years, and get along well with most of the staff, especially this one manager, who we will call D. Back in January and February, he and I began working a lot of shifts together, especially closing shifts, so we were alone a lot. We began to talk about more than work and flirt harmlessly. All of a sudden, I realized I actually liked him, and when I told him, he admitted that he had feelings for me too. Great, right?
This is where it gets complicated... about a week after we admitted our mutual attraction was not so friendly, my LONG term boyfriend and I broke up. D became my best friend and basically pulled me through my breakup. We began hanging out outside of work, and got to know each other even better. It was all pretty PG. We flirted, held hands, hugged, etc, but nothing crossing the line.. yet. Then in April, we were closing together one night and he ended up kissing me. Best first kiss of my life. Oops, forgot to mention one vital piece of information... he has a live-in girlfriend. They've been together for 2ish years. So obviously, after he kissed me, he felt guilty and flew the coop. We ended up not talking for a couple weeks (well, as best we could, considering we work together), but slowly made our way back into our flirtatious banter. It became more and more sexual through the last few weeks, which brings us to last Friday.
He came over in the morning and we ended up doing more than kissing but less than sex, if you know what I mean. He was REALLY into it which surprised me, because he was always the one who held back and said that I was the one pushing this flirtation. Basically, from that morning, it was determined that he actually really, really likes me, and might actually want to be with me. Like break up with his gf, like me. Since Friday however, he's pulled back again. I feel like he feels guilty or maybe he's just deciding what actions he wants to take, so I've been patient and given him his space.
Now this is where my question comes into play... I like him so much, but how am I supposed to build a relationship with him that started with cheating? I do want to be with him, but how long should I wait for him to end it with this other girl. Please help Sasha, I need some good advice! -Waiting Waitress
By now you should know my stance on cheating. It’s a heinous act. So WW, you’re not going to get any sympathy from me when it comes to what you’re doing. You shouldn’t be grinding up on a man who has a girlfriend. The end. It’s not cool in any way shape or form.
However I’m not a total dumb ass, I know a lot of relationships start on this kind of uneven footing. To each their own, but here is where it gets really infuriating for me. If you’re going to sign up for something like this then you’re going to have to suck up your insecurities. You can’t be a full participant in something this sketchy and then complain about it after.
Now, if he does actually leave his girlfriend for you then why wouldn’t you give it a fair go? I never get why people who go to all the trouble of creeping around want to piss all over it the moment it actually becomes an honest relationship. I just don’t get it.
But here’s the reality check: He’s probably not going to leave his girlfriend.
The fact that it has gone on this long (dick touching and all) and he STILL hasn’t left her, damn WW, it ain’t looking good for you. So if your question is how much longer you should wait? Well, in my opinion, you’ve waited far too long already.
If you have to wait for someone to figure out what they think of you, then sh-t, that’s not a good sign. I would NEVER stick around for someone to figure out if I was worth it or not….if they don’t know right away then they can eat it. And think about it - why would he leave his GF if he’s got two girls for the price of one?! The reality is he’s getting everything he wants, while you’re getting dick all.
WW, I know I’m serving up some tough love, but you need to hear this. MOVE ON!
The BFF hates me,my thin cousin,waitress + manager
Written by Sasha