Written by Sasha
Sasha! So, I'm a college student who, a few months ago, found herself involved in some serious girl sh-t. Without going into too much detail, let's just say a girl we had all taken for something of a dumb blonde (and I had taken for a friend) stabbed the sh-t out of my back at my house's Halloween party. Of course the whole thing was about a boy, and there wound up being a whole party worth of people gossiping about me, and a mess of other colorful events. Neither of us got the boy, which is probably for the best. At first, I believed the whole thing to be a product of her dumb-drunkness, but I was enlightened by a mutual friend--the whole night's events, and a few things after were a tactical assault meant to take out the competition. Since I try to keep the drama queen to a minimum, the amount of people who actually know that she wasn't just being a dumb ho is pretty small. I'm fine with that; I really don't need my revenge. However, I have absolutely no desire to ever be in her company again, which is barely a problem, since her parties start out pretty mediocre and invariably end with her drunkenly crying somewhere. The problem happens here: she is throwing a shared birthday party for herself and a mutual friend who will be going home for his actual birthday. I do not want to go to her party. However, I feel tremendously guilty skipping out on anything being branded--no matter how reluctantly, on his part--as our mutual friend's birthday. So, what's a girl to do? Do I skip the whole messy affair and just send a plate of brownies? Or do I show up, bring the brownies with me, and do my best to have minimum contact with the bitch? I don't ever, ever want to send the message that I'm okay with her, but I also wasn't raised to show up at someone's house and pretend they don't exist. Help? J
J, this girl sounds like a major cow, but I’m glad to hear that you’re not stooping to her bitch ass level.
I’ve had similar encounters with people like this in the past: you know the kind - the one who’s always forgiven and seemingly rewarded for their bull sh-t behaviour. And it took me a long time to learn that I was wasting my time trying to teach that person that their wrongdoings, well, were just that, wrong. What I finally realized is that you have to let those people just stew in their own misery because chances are they have some serious sadness running deep into their veins. And whatever you could think of doing or saying will never come close to the damage they do on their own. Their inner fu-ked-upness trumps all.
So J, you can’t give this person the power to a) stop you from doing things you want to do and b) creep into your psyche and fu-k with the way you feel about yourself. In my opinion, it comes down to this: Do YOU want to go to this party? How important is this mutual friend to YOU? If you really want to get your drink on and celebrate, then go. But if on the flipside you’re really forcing yourself to attend a sh-t party with people you’ll see another weekend, then, don’t bother. I mean, the alternative is you could just skip the party and take your out-of-town friend for a nice b-day dinner/drinks another night. Right?
Now, I’ve got one more question - is this party happening at her house? If so, this changes things for me. If it's at a neutral location like a restaurant or a bar, then you can easily avoid her ass, but if it's at her house then I say bail. It’s one thing to pretend she doesn’t exist, but it’s a whole other matter trying to do that in her home. You’re right; it would be bad manners on your part. So if that’s the case - ABORT –and send those brownies my direction.
Dear Sasha, I will turn 28 next month and just recently kicked my boyfriend of 10 years out of my apartment. We are high school sweethearts and have been together for what seems like forever. He is the world's best man, treats me like gold, great sex, loved by all, but there is a problem (obviously)...he doesn't work! I moved in with him in 2006 when he was trying to make it as an actor (lame). I am very successful at my job and know that if the situation was reversed and I was the out of work actor, he would support me, but I just can't do that for him. He is becoming less and less attractive to me having no direction or passion for anything in life and bouncing from here to there without a plan.
I thought the separation of finances and locations would push him in the right direction to finish school or find some gainful employment, not only for "us" but for his own well being, but it hasn't. He works a temp job (where everyone loves him again), but won't even ask to be hired on full time. I hate the thought of losing him, but feel like I am trapped and don't want to live a life of being his mother and not his equal. any advice?M
I’ve just started watching House Husbands of Hollywood - have you seen it? It’s basically a bunch of ‘famous’ women, one being Vanessa from The Cosby Show (um, really?!) Anyway the show’s premise is basically that these women bring home the cheddar while their husbands do jack sh-t. It’s mind-bruisingly bad but it does highlight the importance of having a balanced relationship. So my question to you M is, aside from of his loss of direction, does your boyfriend equally contribute in other ways?
For me, it’s really crucial to have a partner who's motivated, has dreams and is a baller. They don’t have to make tonnes of dough but at the very least they need to pull their own weight. That means: pay half the bills and while you’re at it, take out the garbage and put up those shelves. So is he a baller or a no-baller?
Assuming that he pays his bills and is not lying on the couch defeated, here's what I'm thinking. You’ve been with him for a decade which probably puts you in a way more advanced ‘life’ position than most your age, and I’m going to go ahead and assume your head is probably in family mode. And while that’s all great, the fact remains that he’s still only 28, which is fairly young when it comes to finding what you’re meant to do for the rest of your life. I know a lot of people older than the both of you who are still trying to find their direction (ahem, me). So my first bit of advice is to give him some more time to find his way and in the meantime be there to foster all those dreams. You know him well - so what’s he good at? Can you sit down together and have him write down his goals for the year? Can you suggest to him to make an appointment with a career counselor?
I get that you don’t want your man to turn into some pussy ass loser but you’ve got to agree to the same game. And as you mentioned, if you were down and out, you would have his support so why won’t you do the same for him?
Now of course I don’t want you to suffer through a relationship with someone who doesn’t match the same core values as you, but the thing is, you’re never going to have it all - there will always be some kind of struggle. You could break up with him and find an amazing new guy with a great career but one day he could have some crisis and be jobless for years….then what? You see what I’m getting at here?
That said though, if you really see no future with him and if you really think he’ll never find his way then yes, it's time to move on. But your description doesn't make it sound like he’s going to be a dead beat for the rest of his life. He just sounds like a guy who might need some extra time to figure things out and I think he’s entitled to that for now. So M, instead of acting like his mom why don’t you try acting more like his cheerleader and see if that works out better.
Dear Sasha, when I was a freshman in University, I met a guy who lived in a fraternity and was extremely popular and attractive. He and I started dating and I eventually lost my virginity to him right before the end of the year. I was head-over-heels in love with him, and he definitely had feelings for me but was a sophomore living it up at the time and looking back he wasn’t as into it as I was. I ended up transferring universities for reasons out of my control and we tried to make it work long distance, but I secretly knew he was probably hooking up with other girls and I was completely in denial. I went to go visit him over Halloween, and he was really distant with me all weekend and ended up breaking up with me on the drive to the airport. To say I was devastated was an understatement. Well, a year and a half ago he and I decided to meet up in Vegas after not having seen each other in a few years to explore feelings, and then he came up to Canada to meet my family a few months later. Long story short, he was and is completely in love with me and my feelings seem to have changed. My family loves him and can’t understand why I don’t want to be with him, and I can’t explain it either. I know people change and that if it’s not there, it’s not there, but I can’t understand how you can go from loving someone so much that it completely consumes you, to not having a hint of those feelings left for that person anymore. I know that if it’s not there that I need to move on, but he’s starting to get upset that I’m leading him on while I’m trying to get those old feelings to come back (because he really is an amazing guy – smart, attractive, funny, loyal, etc.) What are your thoughts on this?
If its not there anymore, it’s just, not. Maybe it was the thrill of the chase, maybe you’re still pissed at him for getting with those other girls or maybe the chemistry just dwindled. It happens. I’ve had boyfriends in the past that I’ve loved so much that all I wanted to do was peel back their skin and jump right on in; and then for whatever reason those feelings literally vanished in what felt like overnight. But no matter how or why your feelings have changed, I think you need to buck up and break up.
I obviously give you props for trying to jumpstart the relationship but I’m not entirely sold that this will work. Once those feelings start to disappear, it’s really hard to steer them back around. It’s kinda like when you’re in bed with a drunk guy who has floppy dick syndrome - the more they think about it and the more they try to push that sucker in soft….well, you know how the story ends. So with that disgusting analogy (sorry, mom) I hope you see the light and find the courage to bite the bullet and break it off, because the longer you lead him on, the more pain you’ll cause.
Now I’ve desperately been trying to find a place to plug Adele and this seems like an appropriate time. This song is almost worth having a broken heart but I guess the point is, breakups are painful as all hell but you grieve and move on. Listen to this and get your ugly cry on.
Girly Throwdowns and the Hard Break
Written by Sasha