Girls’ Girls and Virgins

Lainey Posted by Lainey at November 22, 2010 11:41:01 November 22, 2010 11:41:01

Written by Sasha

Dear Sasha,
I am not a girls' girl. I am fascinated by Lainey’s insights on girls’ girls mainly because I would like to be more of one. But I am still way more comfortable around guys. Girls are often hard for me to relate to/understand which is weird because I am one. I've come to realize that significant relationships between women are not as easy to come across as they've always looked from an outsider's vantage point. I've met a couple of amazing women in my neighbourhood. They are fun and supportive and we get on great. Are there any tips you can give to a girl like me who doesn't want to screw things up and wants to take things to "the next level"?
Thanks, C

I’m truly fascinated by this. Because straight up, I was never a fan of the non-girls girl growing up. Their inability to connect with women always came off as some next level snobbery and seemed more often than not to stem from a pretty deep insecurity. So help me out…. Were you taught that male attention was important? Or did you have a sh-t social gene pool where all the girls were really wack?

It’s interesting because thinking back to my high school days, the non-girls girl was never this burly butch sporto type - she was attractive and was, well, a really great flirt. So I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you’re really pretty and a lot of what you felt from girls was ‘jealousy’? Am I projecting?

And when I look at girls like Taylor Momsen and Miley Cyrus, who have both admitted they aren’t girls’ girls, I wonder if their grating personalities can be attributed to their lack of good girl bonding. Because when you DO have a solid group of girlfriends they’re quick to make you check yourself and Taylor and Miley seem far from that reality. And I know this isn’t a fashion post today but if Taylor’s just given up on buttoning her shirts all together - what’s the point in wearing one at all? Oh right, I forgot, she’s just one of the guys. Ugh.

But having said all of this I don’t want to dismiss your feelings because I get why you may have been drawn to friendships with men, because lord knows they’re so much freaking easier and so much less complicated. And girls are, well, way more complicated - they can be cold, they can push you away and they can be straight up mean. And watch the F out, because if you dare take away their man’s attention, they can get pretty gansta.

Now don’t get me wrong some of my best and longest lasting friendships have been guys but I guess the difference is I always had an equal balance of both genders in my life. So when I wanted to talk smack and have fun I’d hang with my guy friends but when I’d want to talk smack, have fun but also talk about ‘feelings’, I had my girls. So I’m glad that you’re ready to strike that balance in your life and it’s rad that you’ve found a cool group of girls in your neighbourhood. I know you don’t want to ‘screw it up’ and I have a good feeling you won’t. As long as you don’t dress like a skank around their men or flirt with their property, you’re going to be fine. If you genuinely like these women, and it sounds like you do, then just keep on hanging out and sharing. Girls love it when you share.

So break down the barriers, be yourself and soak in the knowledge that although we bitches are complicated, there’s such a deeper level of connection that’s so important in life. I know, I sound like a maxi pad commercial but it’s true because having a core group of quality girls is just f-cking dope. I really applaud you for your honesty and if you are as open as you were with me, and we don’t even know each other, then you’re already on the ‘next level’.

My little brother's wife just left him for someone else. They have 2 kids (4 and 18 months) who will stay with him. Right now we're dealing with the immediate pain of her actions, but I'm trying to pull it together enough to think about the upcoming holidays. Obviously she won't be included in any of our celebrations, but do you have any advice on how to make it less awkward for everyone? Any advice on how to get my brother through this season of goddamn family togetherness? M

Wow M, I’m sorry to hear about your brother’s sh-tty circumstance. This stuff is never great timing but the silver lining is that you have this next month to really be there for your bro and support him as much as possible, so that he’s not a blubbering mess when the eggnog comes out. And to be quite honest, are the holiday’s ever perfect? I don’t know about you but it always seems like there’s at least one person that unleashes a bag of bat sh-t crazy during family get-togethers.

I think the most effective way of approaching this is by being direct. Let your brother know that although the situation is obviously horrible, you two are going to pull together, for the sake of his kids, to make it amazing time for them. As long as your brother isn’t burying his emotions and you’re there for him, then really, that’s the best you can do right now.

At a certain point you’re just going to have to let go because you don’t want to be so hyper aware of the situation that you become the actual awkward thing in the room. What will happen will happen and there’s no way to plan for all the variables.

Another piece of advice would be to ask him how he feels about others asking him about his wife. If he tells you that he doesn’t want to talk about it, then send an email or call your guests up in advance and tell them to shut the f-ck up.

M, thanks for your question! You are a great sister!

Dear Sasha,
I am 30 years old and never had sex. I was raised to consider sex as something you do with someone you really care about, that sex is an act of intimacy. I'll be honest and admit that I have some trust issues, thus leading to intimacy issues. When I was in my 20's I was involved with 2 different guys and I thought we were getting to the point where sex might be a real possibility. The first guy, who was 2 years younger than me ended up just being too immature. The second guy... well, it didn't go well when I told him I had never had sex. He just started acting differently around me-very distant, he stopped calling, he was always too busy to get together, etc. He was a several years older than me and just seemed to take a hands off approach to me because I was still a virgin. Since then, I haven't really dated or been particularly interested in dating. However, I'm starting to feel an interest in diving back into the dating world (*gulp*), so I'm not sure how to approach this. When I get involved with someone, when/if should I tell them I've never had sex? I’ve had friends tell me to just keep it to myself but others have told me to be upfront. What do you think? LD

The answer to your question is simple - you should absolutely NOT keep it to yourself. It’s really like any personal information one may have. Some people are virgins and some people sh-t naked and it’s not until that person gets to really know you that they are privy to those details. I mean, you’ve made a concerted effort to hold out for 30 freaking years so why in the world would you keep it to yourself – it’s not like you’re embarrassed of your decision. And I love that you’re not.

I have to say though, that after reading your letter I’m less surprised about the fact that you’ve held out for so long and more surprised to hear that when you told that guy you were a virgin, he turned into a freeze. I was always under the impression that guys had some weird primitive instinct to de-flower. I guess I’m wrong? Anyway, in this case it sounds like this guy wasn’t in for the long haul anyway…so peace out, buddy.

And I guess your master plan worked because the whole point of not throwing your poon around with any ol’ dick is so you can find the best dick. So if dude goes running or gets weird when you tell him this, well, you should be happy that you didn’t give it up to him in the first place.

Shi-t, now all I can picture is that scene from 90210 when Donna finally gives it up to David…..remember everything was all white…they don’t make shows like that anymore.

I am a 32 y.o. professional woman who lived in Philadelphia/South Jersey for my entire life. Long story short, I decided to move away - far, to DC. I wanted a change, a new life and the chance to start over with people who didn't know me and wouldn't judge me. And I did just that. It was scary as hell but I am so proud of myself for doing it; for doing it alone, and for the first time in my life feeling like a grown up, responsible and capable of doing it "on my own." Now for the kink in my finely tuned plans - I met a man, 2 months after I moved, who lives in Philadelphia, in the part of the town I moved to get away from. He's wonderful, caring and everything I could ask for in a partner. But he also has a 3 month old son. He and his ex-girlfriend got pregnant by accident and she then left him about 6 months before I met him. The thing is, I am falling in love with him and want to be with him. ... Should I let a man be, ultimately, the deciding factor in my moving? he has said that he doesn't expect me to do anything and wouldn't stop dating me just because I decided to stay here. is it okay to move for a man? Stupid? Thanks, IW

I’m not going to lie, this is a very complicated predicament and as much I’m all for love I think you should stay where you are right now.

It’s interesting reading your email because you sound so happy with the decision you made to leave Philly. There’s no better feeling in life than when you feel like you’re actually taking control - where you get to leave all your past bullsh-t behind, throw away people’s perceptions of you and just go for it. And right now, it sounds like all guns are blazing. And that’s a lot to throw away….right now.

This guy sounds great and I’m not questioning that he makes you happy but it’s really really early in your relationship to be making a big decision like this. He has a newborn and his relationship with his ex is going to get hella more complicated. Do you really want to go back and potentially deal with baby mama drama?

Now, I know long distance relationships are hard and I’m not a big advocate but for now, I think you should keep on rolling on with this current program. Get to know him more and more importantly, get to know yourself because it sounds like you’ve finally come into your own. And as you mentioned, he’s dedicated to you no matter what your decision, so IW, this seems like a win win.

I think this is less about making a decision based on a ‘man’ and more about making a decision based on you. I think you may regret giving up this new found autonomy to move back for a guy who frankly has a whole bunch of baggage to deal with. Ride this out for another 6-8 months, give this relationship a better foundation and when you feel like you could give it all up without any regret, then go.

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