Written by Sasha
I want to thank everyone for continuing to write in your questions – they’ve been so great. Also thanks to everyone for writing in your comments about certain posts – you LG readers are bad ass.
Last week’s non girls’ girls post seemed to strike a chord with a lot of you. And it was interesting to hear that for most, the inability to connect with women was due to being burned by them in your past. I get that. But it got me thinking… Why are we so hard on girls yet we seem to give guys a free pass all the time. Think back, every one of us has a story or a whole bunch of stories of guys treating us like sh-t, hurting our feelings, spreading rumours …the list goes on. I remember this one time I was babysitting and this guy from school came over and basically kicked the sh-t out of me on the front lawn. Oh my god, that’s actually really f-cked now that I think about it, but the point is it’s not like I was put off of boys after that. So how come we gave them second chances and some of you didn’t do the same for girls? Anyway it’s something to think about.
Also I wanted to share this posting that my good friend Dean passed on to me. Although I don’t share the fist pumping tone of it, I agree with the sentiment. Click here if you care.
Anyway if you have any more to say on this issue, bring it. It’s fun to not always agree, right? In the meantime here is this week’s post.
For the past 10 years, since i was 16 years old, I've been involved in the most unhealthy relationship. Our relationship started like a fairytale and ended like a horror flick. I don't want to go into too much detail...but there was a lot of breaking up, and getting back together. About two years ago, we got back together - after he begged and made all kinds of promises. We bought a house together - and then 2 weeks before closing, he informed me via a phone call that he wanted out...again. And so he disappeared from my life... Since then, we've talked/hooked up a few times. We started talking a few months ago...and we had a good conversation about being friends first, and letting things happen naturally...and slowly. Everything seemed good...until he became withdrawn and then cancelled a supposed friday "date night with a surprise you're going to like" and ignored me the rest of the weekend. And then an e-mail on Monday morning, at work - he loves me, he's not in love with me, and this will never be anything more than a friendship. I don't have the time, and don't want to waste yours, with details - so believe me when I tell you he's the most self-absorbed prick ever. And believe me when I tell you that I always felt I could do so much better...but at some point in our relationship, I lost my confidence. I'm now 26, live on my own, have a good job, have a great family and great friends, have a puppy...and yet I feel so stuck - how do I reinvent myself? Thanks for your help!!! CT.
CT, girl, I really need you to listen to me. I know you recognize you can do better but I also know you don’t truly believe it yet. You have a decade full of evidence that says you’re hooked to this guy like crack and it doesn’t matter how sh-tty it gets, because this carousel of f-cked you’re on is unfortunately your norm.
And I know the feeling. Where you want to run away, snap your fingers and turn yourself into this self confident, take control of your life kind of girl - and it WILL happen, just not overnight.
One of my best friends was in a relationship very similar to this. It started off in the most intense love affair and it quickly turned into constant raging fights. She was fully aware that the relationship took a dump on her face every single day but for some reason she could wipe that sh-t smear off clean and jump back in. And of course I don’t fully know the complexities of your situation but the pattern sounds similar. And I’m going to tell you exactly what I told her.
First, you have to confide in someone you really trust to help you out with this. So that every time he reaches out to you (because he will), you can call that person so that he/she can remind you how horrible he treats you. You need to be reminded of this ALL THE TIME. And every time your brain wants to go back to the ‘GOOD’, you call that friend so he/she can tell you all the BAD.
Next, you really need to start branching out. What do you love to do? What are some secret passions you sometimes even keep secret from yourself? Whatever they may be – do it. Just find a hobby to keep your mind occupied and busy. This will help you piece back who you are, give you some independence and build up that lost confidence.
And something that has always helped me after a breakup is sitting down and writing all the qualities I want in man. Seriously, it sounds corny as hell but if you do it then you’re setting up a path for yourself to never accept anything less and every time that sucker calls you, whip out that piece of paper and do some comparing. Remember, you can only become better if you demand better.
And finally the most important. You need to find yourself a therapist you like and make an appointment. You might not really understand the damage this relationship has done to your soul. I think the most insulting part of all of this is his constant abandonment and quite frankly, it doesn’t matter how strong of a person you are - that’s going to mess with anyone’s head. But I’m not going to put all the blame on him because I’m sure you play a part in the dysfunction, so you need to unlearn some bad habits you’ve picked up along the way. You need some objective advice to really get you through this because I’m sure the advice of your friends no longer works as well as it used to. In addition, read up on narcissistic disorder…he sounds like he might suffer from this and it could really open your eyes to a few things.
CT, you’re 26 and sound way to cool for this guy. And referencing my urban dictionary it also tells me to tell you: ditch the zero and get with a hero.
Why do I always get approached by married men. I'm not trying to sound cocky, is it a vibe I subconsciously put out? I'm 29, successful, confident, single. I'm dying for a "sleep over", or at least some heavy flirting with a male peer who isn't married. What can I do to stop getting these unwanted and unproductive requests?
sh-t, SJ, by your description I’d probably hit on you too. Confidence is something people are drawn to, and although it’s disgusting these men are married, some men just believe they can tap ass out of their league. You might think you have confidence but nothing compares to the confidence of a delusional man. And the more you turn on ‘the bitch’, the more it’s like catnip to these dudes.
And I don’t want to take anything away from you, but guys married or not will slime on just about anything. You know the saying: if you throw enough sh-t at the wall something might stick. That’s their motto. And listen, if I judged myself on the ‘talent’ that hits on me, then I would be destined to be with a 4”11 Mexican man because apparently I’m their flavour.
So yes, when they hit on you it’s sick, and yes, you want to scrub all the skin off your body but there’s nothing you can do but ignore the advances. This has nothing to do with what vibe you’re putting out. Just keep on doing what you do and my fingers are crossed that soon you’ll find a guy worthy of this raunchy sleep over.
I should probably set the stage here. I'm a nurse and he's a doctor and years ago, I assume like when i was a child, this pairing is a no-brainer. I'm a nurse, you're a doctor, we have awesome chemistry together and you're super cute = getting married and having cute babies. But nowadays, doctors are with other doctors....Grey's anatomy isn't a total liar. So obviously this AWESOME guy has a girlfriend. And i'm sure she's a great person and a great doctor too. But i hate her on principle. He and I banter really well and he's my McDreamy and McSteamy all rolled into a nice package. EXCEPT HE'S TAKEN. So I need, and desperately I might add, some advice as to how to get over this GREAT guy. Because 1) I figure i should now officially give up the campaign that he'll dump his gf for me and 2) the Wishing Chair at the Smith Tower in Seattle has yet to yield its promise. So yeah this guy is ruining my life just by being awesome. Help me get over it please!! SM
This is so Grey’s Anatomy when it was actually a good show. (sad face)
SM, he sounds like a hot piece of ass but as you are fully aware he is not yours. And I wish there was an IV drip I could hook you up to, to make you not like him any longer but that sh-t doesn’t exist. Trust me, every girl has been in this position and the only way you can get over him is by telling yourself to get a grip and move on. The more time you invest in something that’s not attainable the more time you get lost into an imaginary world where you think he could be yours and guess what? That’s not a healthy or normal place to be. I don’t want you to become some weirdo who starts over thinking and twisting things (positive or negative) that comes out of his mouth because in the end, it will only lead to your hurt feelings. You know what I mean?
The reason why I say this is because in your letter you don’t once suggest that the feelings may be reciprocated. If you did, well maybe I’d tell you something different. But the fact of the matter is he’s in a relationship with someone else. The end. And the more time you spend on liking him the more time it just gets sad. You shouldn’t pine for someone who isn’t interested in you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not awesome: it just means that this one, although he seems perfect, isn’t the one for you. It’s not easy, I know, but you just have to keep reminding yourself that you’re wasting your time and eventually, that knowledge will slowly seep in. In the meantime, my only other suggestion would be to start perving on someone else who has the potential to be yours. Male Nurse? Impressionable intern? Ambulance dude? You’ve got options, so explore them.
Now listen, it’s always fun to daydream and there’s truly nothing better than going to work and knowing you get to look at a hot guy but that’s as far as it can go right now. So go back to the Smith Tower and make yourself another wish and start by wishing for a guy who’s single.
Bad men, married men, & Grey’s Anatomy is real
Written by Sasha