My boyfriend’s daughter, sexting ex & a good man

Sasha Posted by Sasha at May 2, 2011 12:58:33 May 2, 2011 12:58:33

Written by Sasha

I've been with this guy for 4 years now and right now, everything's going well. He's a single dad and while his 5-year old daughter stays with his ex for most of the week, he spends time with her on weekends and during special occasions. At first, he was so cautious about letting me in that aspect of his life. After 2 years or so, he finally let me in-- He also introduced me to his daughter and I must say that we get along really well. She loves spending time with me--I really adore her to bits, and the feeling seems mutual.

Here's the thing though... When the little girl is around, you would not be able to guess that her dad and I are in a relationship. We don't hold hands, we don't kiss each other hello and/or goodbye (not even on the cheek), no one says the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" in front of her, etc. etc. At first, we really did it on purpose because we were afraid she'd get jealous. This has been going on for almost 2 years now. I've been feeling bad about it, naturally, because I don't get "acknowledged" by my boyfriend to one of the most important people in his life--his daughter.

The issue has surfaced because we're all about to attend a wedding and the bride told me that there will be games for couples. I told my boyfriend that maybe he should tell his daughter before she hears it from other people, but he just said that it's easier if we just don't join the games. I then talked to him about how I really felt about this whole thing and he was just all quiet and told me that "He'll think about it". I also said that his daughter is a very smart and precocious 5-year old and she probably knows what's going on already--it's just that no one has spoken to her about it (we have dinners with my boyfriend's parents and all the significant others of their kids all the time).

I guess what I want to know is if i'm overreacting about this whole thing? Should I stick with this guy or is this an indication that he can't stand up for me? A.C.

I’ve got be straight up with you AC, my first instinct was to take the side of your man because as a product of divorced parents, I know that most kids don't like the idea of having their mom or dad ‘replaced’. It’s not only a highly stressful time for them, but it’s also totally confusing. I think it’s really important for parents to make sure their children feel safe during this period. When my parents split, my mom made a point of letting me know that her priority was me and I'm guessing your man is doing the same thing – he obviously wants to protect her.

But, this is where the BUT in capitals comes in…

While I get that he wants to be a great dad, he definitely needs to chill. You’ve been nothing but patient and respectful of his situation, and therefore quite entitled to feel the way you do. I mean, sh-t, it’s been FOUR years – what’s he waiting for? And if I’m not totally math deficient, you came in to his daughter’s life when she was only 1, so chances are the kidlet probably doesn’t know any different. Y’know? Either way AC, the point is, you’re in this relationship for the long haul, and he should be to. You can’t be in it 100% while he’s only 80% invested. That’s setting you up for failure.

And as you said, the jig is up. His daughter might be 5 but I’m sure she knows the 411. While kids might not want to witness their parents getting fresh with someone other than their mom/dad, they also DON’T like to be ‘lied’ to and to be quite honest, leaving her to guess who you are is probably even weirder for her. So if I were you AC, I’d hit up a book store and find a parenting book on this subject and hand that sucker to him to read.

So here’s what you need to do. I think you have to have another sit down and this time lay down the law. He needs to understand that you’re not just in this for sh-ts and giggles and that he needs to step up, have your back and fully integrate you into his life. That means all parties must be notified that the two of you are in a grown-up relationship where actions like touching, holding hands and the use of terms of endearment are a thing.

All of the above should no longer be up for debate. The end.

AC, it sounds like you’ve got a really good man in your life and I don’t think this is worth breaking up over. It’s just a challenge that you have to overcome. Having said that, you do need to stand your ground. You can't be a "secret" to the most important person in your life. It’s just not fair.

Good Luck and keep me posted!

Hi Sasha, So I am really conflicted with the current male situation I am in. My boyfriend and I have been having a really tough couple of months. Ever since he moved in he has become a complete slob and all he does is sleep eat and play video games, so in retaliation and frustration in the disappearance of my once romantic life, I tried to end things and he gets upsets and reels me back in. Well in the last week several events have happened and I’m questioning whether I should end it or stick in it. I found a big box of love letters from his ex and it doesn’t really upset me that he has them its just it upsets me that he put so much effort to being romantic with her and not me. I have a lot of insecurities about his ex girlfriend since they were together for five years and he got together me with only a month after they broke up. At first I thought I was a rebound but we have been together for two years. Anyways throughout the week I found out his secret porn addiction (I don’t care that he watches porn, I don’t understand why he lied to me about it), a letter he wrote about how depressed he is and he mentions how horrible his ex was to him, but I’m no where mentioned in the letter and a week later I ask him if he has been contacting her and he tells me yes and I start crying and blah blah. Well the thing that really bothers me is last night I took his phone and found he was sexting her. Now the other day I told him we should try and be friends until he get his stuff together, so in lieu of the sexting situation he defends himself saying we aren’t together and he gets lonely, but we still live together and you don’t do that when your trying to win someone back, right? I really do love him and he tells me he is really upset and he never should have texted and that he wouldn’t have done it if we were together, but I’m really conflicted, hurt and feel betrayed. I still love him but when is enough, enough.

If you’re asking ME when’s enough?!? Um, I'd say the very moment I found out that he was sexting his ex. For real, I’d be out the door.

But before I go in to what YOU should do….are you telling me that before you guys moved in together everything was hunky dory and then all of a sudden he turned into this porn cheating slob?

I don’t know if I buy that…

Is it possible that dude was always a dick-wad and what’s happening now is that you’re finally coming out your haze of denial?

Now listen, the porn and the slob stuff…okay whatever, but what you can’t deny is that your boyfriend is having an emotional affair. And what’s even more insulting is that he’s STILL doing it while you’re under the same roof. That’s a bold dick faced move right there.

So you need to ask yourself:

Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you think you will ever trust him again?

Personally, I say -- bounce. But if you’re going break it off with him – do it for real. None of this pretend sh-t…that only makes you look like a wet noodle. Not a good look.

As hard as it may sound to do right now, I think dropping him is the only option. I know it’s hard to see something you’ve put all this love and effort in ‘fail’, but B, sometimes you just need to accept defeat and move on. He’s not worth the fight. Look, having to second guess someone, sneak around trying to find clues, constantly being on the look-out, never feeling like you’re #1,…. is no way to live.

So my advice is pretty simple: Demand more for yourself.

Dear Sasha. So getting right down to it my ex boyfriend was extremely good looking. Everything look-wise a girl would want in a guy. You know the perfect face, hot gait, he would wear his clothes just perfectly, a good body,and I can go on and on. I was crazy for him but needless to say he turned out to be a total scumbag who treated me like crap. So I just started dating this new guy. He is the opposite of my ex. He opens the doors for me, treats me to everything, a gentlemen and so nice. I have a good time hanging out with him. But look-wise he is not your “conventional good looking guy” like the ex was. I find myself denying that I might actually like him because I’m bothered so much about his looks. I’m not trying to be shallow but I just cant help it and I feel so bad! All I keep thinking is he doesn’t have the “perfect” face like the ex, the hot gait like the ex, the wearing of the clothes just right, the nice body, etc etc. But on the other hand I find myself making out with him (haha) so I guess I am attracted to him? Any insight would help. Thanks- M

Having just finished answering that last question, I want to jump for joy that you’ve actually found a good man, because shiitttttt, the more I read all of your letters, the more I realize it’s like an episode of CHEATERS out there.

So my advice would be if you find a good one, hang on for dear life.

But I get it….you want the whole package and this dude’s mug is lacking. (Poor guy….can you imagine if he knew we were talking about him like this?)

So here are my thoughts on the matter. Whether or not he’s ‘the one’ is really not important to me right now, because I think the big life lesson for you is to see what it’s like to be in a GOOD relationship. The fact is, long term the thing you two have may not work out, but at least you’ll have some frame of reference for what it means to be with a kind and respectful person. Being treated well shouldn’t be an option…you know?

Now, I’m not saying use the guy, because if you’re really not attracted to him then that's a deal breaker and you should let him go. But by the sounds of it, you ARE attracted to him, so maybe it's time to re-consider your hang ups and give him a chance. Listen, I’m all for setting high standards but axing someone off the list because they don’t look like David Beckham…..I can’t back that.

Here’s the deal – when it comes down to it….it is all about quality. And we both know what an "inner-beauty" your last guy was.

M, I don’t know how old you are, but as I’ve gotten older my priorities have changed. It’s less about chasing after the hot guy who treats me like sh-t and more about finding someone who’s just rad all around.

So the point is this. Make sure you don’t settle, but at the same time don’t write someone off right away, because you could really miss out on a keeper.

And if I still haven’t convinced you maybe this scene from Mermaids can….

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