You made me eat your sh-t on Selena Gomez’s hair, Real Or Fake last week and I deserved to eat your sh-t. Because I thought it looked real and you were all like, no you dickhead, it is NOT real. Because it grew too fast and too thick and something about the pieces being even or not even, only I can’t remember because too many of you were shouting, including my Hair, Real Or Fake mentor, Caleigh, who threatened to expel me from Hair, Real Or Fake school for being so stupid. I just...naively assume that when it comes to hair, everyone can grow it long and thick.

Here’s Selena at the Laker game last night with all her hair, apparently fake. Can we at least agree that it’s good work, this fake hair?

PS. My hair is currently 3 inches from my waist and I’ve just decided that I will keep going until it gets there. Is that gross?