Simon Cowell is obsessed with…himself. All those injections, colonics, vitamins, this is a man desperate to stay young, robust, virile…and alive. A couple of years ago it was revealed that he’d signed up  for cryonics – freezing his body for the future, when medical advancements might make it possible to revive us for another lifetime. While the likelihood of that being successful is uncertain, he’s now found another way to guarantee his immortality:

A legacy.

A child.

Simon Cowell is to be a father.

According to US Weekly, Lauren Silverman is pregnant with Cowell’s eternity. Silverman is the estranged wife of one of Cowell’s wealthy friends, Andrew Silverman. The Silvermans’ marriage was apparently falling apart and Lauren and Simon spent more and more time together and now they’re to be parents, so that even if Cowell can’t be thawed back to life in 200 years or so, he’ll still be around in spirit through succession.

Here’s a man who flies in his fruit for smoothies every day. He spends several thousand dollars a week on fresh flowers. He sends a private jet for his personal chef to come to wherever he is just to inspect his appliances. For some reason, he’ll only wipe his ass with black toilet paper. This… makes no sense to me. I mean, if you can’t see it, how do you know when you’re done? Like, that final sheet better be snow white before I pull up my pants is what I’m saying.

Anyway, the point is – forget North West and the Kanye baby when it comes to excess. The spawn of Simon Cowell will exceed them all.

Attached – Cowell and Lauren Silverman together in March.