Check out Simon Cowell in London yesterday at an event for The X Factor. It’s the pants. These are what I call middle-aged man pants, for a certain kind of middle-aged man. He’s in his late 40s or 50s. He usually wears them under a blazer with pointed toe leather shoes and a goddamn pinky ring. You can see the comb streaks through his gelled hair. You can smell him before he enters a room or an elevator in Vegas. I have yet to know a woman who finds this attractive but this probably just means I hang out in the wrong crowd because he always has a woman attached to his arm. She takes styling cues from the Real Housewives.

And now I’ve just realised – is Simon Cowell their Man Idol?

The Man Idol is about to become a father. He’s now gushing to journalists about baby scans and how he can’t wait to meet his child, his immortal, his legacy. How much money had to exchange hands to make this scandal go away so quickly?