Sofia Vergara and Meatball Joe Manganiello are dating. They arrived in Miami together yesterday, quite obviously super into each other.

I mean I get. On paper these two are supposed to be the hottest couple ever. She’s ridiculously hot. And he’s…well… he’s a meatball. The sex is probably better than any porn you’ve ever seen (because you haven’t been watching the right porn).

On paper.

But sometimes, what’s on paper doesn’t translate to what actually is.

To me? For this particular combination? I feel nothing.

Is it because…it’s too obvious?

What I’m trying to say is that Surprise is often a critical but underrated complement to Sexy. Nothing about Meatball Joe, at least to me, suggests a surprise or anything unexpected. In fact, I think he might have made her a little boring. Maybe that’s the surprise. That Sofia Vergara, who should never, ever be boring, could actually be made boring.