The Church of Scientology produced an heiress today, appropriately named Suri Cruise, apparently meaning "princess" in Hebrew and "red rose" in Persian. However, as astutely pointed out by the lovely Jacki F who wrote to me from across the Pacific today, Suri Cruise sounds remarkably like Syracuse, which happens to the birthplace of one Tommy Cruise. Also, as observed by MK at Dlisted Suri is an anagram of the word Cruise without the first 2 letters. And you thought Trump was a narcissist? At press time, there are no details surrounding the birth, though not for lack of trying. Textbook Scientology stealth, if you ask me. All of a sudden they"re dating. Then she"s pregnant. Then she gives birth and abracadabra gay poofter - Mission Impossible 3 is due out in just 2 weeks. His timing is impeccable, non? Impeccable and yet more than a little suspect. Now here"s what I do know. According to my sources, Katie has been asked to join him for as many premieres as possible, if not on the carpet then definitely for the travels. Obviously her newborn physical condition could change this but remember - this is a magnificent woman, with a magnificent amount of energy, who is at once a magnificent partner and will be a magnificent mother. Why bother popping out a kid at such an magnificent time if you"re not going to magnificently revert to Hollywood anorexic proportions and squeeze into a magnificent size 2 Armani in front a bazillion cameras? The ride is just beginning y"all. Get ready, because we are entering gossip blockbuster season. Praise Goddess. On a related note, my best friend Erin turned 30 day. Like an idiot, I felt I needed to rethink our friendship, especially since she now shares her birthday in perpetuity with Little Sci Suri, and you have to ask yourself - what else besides a date could they have in common??? When I called her to tell her this, she asked me if I was trying to get out of taking her out for lunch on Thursday, considering I"ve bailed on her the last 3 times. This made me realise what a terrible friend I"ve been. Too much golf time, too much work time, not enough girl time. And that’s when I resolved to repledge my love and devotion to Erin. So what"s the point? Well as always, in times of turmoil and crisis brought on by Little Sci arrivals, when armageddon is upon us, when we are forced to make right from wrong, good usually does prevail, gossips. Be strong and be optimistic. And if you are afraid, if you are hiding in your basement, look forward to Baby JoliePitt. She will save us all.