Brilliant coup for Us Weekly, non? 

After weeks and weeks of undercover parenting, Katie has finally been spotted in Telluride, Colorado with coffee and without Suri. As you can see, she looks pretty good. And thankfully not yet a stick insect. Now according to the article, some "clerk at a natural food store" was able to get a good look at the "funny looking" baby, which hasn't necessarily put a kibosh on the conspiracy tautology that has hit new dramatic heights thanks to the TMZ release of the birth certificate yesterday. 

In case you haven't heard, the document was filed late, it was not signed by either parent or even the delivering physician, which naturally has done nothing to douse endless speculation by gossiphounds the world over about what"s really going on behind the cloak and dagger infant mystery. Bear with me while I do the disclaimer thing for a minute. 

Dear lawyers for TomTom: what you are about to read is conjecture, gossip, rumours, etc and should by no means be taken as fact. Taking them to be factual would mean that your client is not the sanest, most desirable, most heterosexual man on the planet. Which he is. Because he is a Scientologist and therefore very wise and knowledgeable about all things including the History of Psychiatry and how to cure drug addiction. Tom is the bestest and Scientology is the greatest. Ah-Thetan. 

OK then. Let's gossip. If you need another refresher on the endless theories, please click here and here . I'm a bit under the weather so I apologise that I don't have the energy to go over the disability angle or the sperm donor angle or the notion that the spawn doesn't really exist. I prefer instead to focus on yet another suggestion put forward by many of you: the idea that this is really an elaborate plan concocted and perpetuated by BOTH the Cruise camp AND the Kidman camp in an effort to rally publicity on two ends. Sigh. Have we created a conspiracy theory monster? 

This, my friends, is the latest - straight from a reader named Laura but also supported by many others who've offered their musings: 'was noticing how well orchestrated the publicity battle between GMD & Freeze Face is – sort of like a tennis match – now you have the ball (public attention), now I have the ball and it occurred to me that if their marriage was a business arrangement, could it be that their divorce and the events following it have also been purposefully arranged to maximize attention? That they have a “script” they’ve been playing out – we’ll get divorced, it will be nasty, I’ll insinuate you cheated, you’ll be the pitiful dumped creature looking for love, we’ll eventually snag new playmates who will participate (willingly or otherwise) in this charade and we’ll just keep the peeps busy with one stunt after the next. It really seems to me that they work together to sustain the attention focused on themselves even though they are supposedly enemies since the divorce. Don’t get me wrong – I do not think they are secretly still in love; I just wonder if it’s possible for this entire web to be a well-thought-out subterfuge being carried on by two cold-as-ice narcissists. What think you?": 

Well, first of all, I have to say I admire Laura's use of the semicolon, something I aspire to always. Second, while certainly plausible, I'm not personally a fan of this hypothesis. It"s ingenious, to be sure, but it would also require a great deal of cooperation between two enormous egos…something I don"t think happens all that often in Hollywood, know what I mean? Still…I feel we must add it to the list of options and as such, I have done my best to summarise them all for you here: Possible reasons why we haven"t seen Little Sci: 

1. THERE IS NO LITTLE SCI and Tom is currently searching for an orphan to claim as his own (for the record, I believe she exists) 

2. Little Sci is in the lab getting Scientologised. 

3. Little Sci has an illness or some sort of physical ailment 

4. Little Sci didn"t look like Big Sci because Big Sci isn't her real father so she's getting a face lift to make her look like her new fake father 

5. Little Sci was sacrificed at the altar of Xenu as proof of her father's piety 

6. Little Sci can't come out to play because of Church doctrine that dictates that babies should not be exposed to noise in the first few months of their lives 

7. Little Sci was really born much earlier because Katie was already knocked up when she met Tom and they have to wait for her to grow to a certain size where people won"t be able to tell a 2 month difference - see also #4 

8. Little Sci is fine and is just being hidden to build anticipation and therefore monetary value so that her father can sell her photos for a record amount 

9. Little Sci is part of the Kidman/Cruise publicity pact ensuring that both parties remain at the top of the tabloid mountain for as long as possible or at least until The Chosen One Shiloh Nouvel decides to miraculously start walking, talking, flying planes, and making donations at the tender age of 2 months, thereby sending every other celebrity story to the back page of the National Enquirer. 

There you have it, gossips. A quick roundup for your watercooler. Oh and one more thing - according to Us Weekly, Katie could be pregnant ...again! Because Tom's sperm is as potent as Kevin Federline's right??? 

Now I know it's obviously possible and I'm sure it happens from time to time, but from what I've heard, it's not exactly easy. As you recall, I'm the token barren bitch in my group of friends. Surrounded by populated wombs and strollers and breast pumps and every kind of baby accessory ever conceived, I remain steadfast in my resolve not to produce my own. Having said that, I am still subjected to endless discussions about feeding times and teething and walking and talking and all the joys and wonders of motherhood. And according to my girls, as long as you breastfeed, it is very difficult to get pregnant (not impossible but difficult, let me stress NOT IMPOSSIBLE BUT VERY DIFFICULT just because I don't want a thousand emails telling me about a friend who knows a friend and all sixteen of them got pregnant within 3 months). In fact, from what I understand, you don't even get your period until well after having your baby. And as well all know from high school, you theoretically need to be getting your period to make a baby. 

OK. So let me get this straight: Not only did Tom get Katie pregnant within the first 3 months of dating but his spunk is SOOO strong he managed to implant ANOTHER seed at a time when the mission is almost impossible??? Well f&ck me. Is he not the most virile man on the planet??? Is his masculinity not the stuff of Homer??? Is he not the most legendary baby maker, like, ever in the history of all babymakers? And can you say "brilliantly conceived PR"??? Oh gossips…do you love it…or do you LOVE it??? Source