JustJared is reporting that the Holy Jolie Twins have been sold to People Magazine. As such, every other publication is bracing for annihilation, pumping out salacious covers in the hopes of banking as much money as they can before the double deity double issue stagnates their sales.

For bottom feeding rags like Life & Style, Star, and In Touch, a salacious cover oftentimes constitutes blatant lying.

And so here we are:

The latest issue of In Touch featuring yet another Tom and Katie break up story, not unlike the “exclusive” break up story from their sister publication Life & Style back in February 2006 when they declared a pregnant Katie had left the diminutive Tom Cruise. 

Needless to say… never happened. 

And even more needless to say… this time it’s not happening either. 

In fact, my sources tell me Tom is currently holding KatE prisoner on a family holiday at sea. But in the weeks leading up to the unveiling of Knoxy and Vivs, as People’s competitors desperately safeguard against their domination, this is the sh*t you should be expecting.