This is the last. And it’s the worst. The WORST. The shine. The horrifying ass of the shine. What is happening to him?

You know, Tom Ford was there last night. He could have helped. This kid needs help. Because here it is: Taylor Lautner is so painfully uncool.

He’s goodlooking. He’s 18. He’s the star of a major franchise (Twilight), has reportedly just signed on to front another major franchise (Max Steele), he dated Taylor Swift, he’s friends with Kristen Stewart... why is Taylor Lautner is he so painfully uncool?

It’s the overscripting of Taylor Lautner. It’s the overrehearsal of every interview. It’s the OVER DIK-SHUN, the OVER PRO-NUNNNN-SEEEEEEE-AYYYYYY-SHUNNN of EH-VER-EE WERRR-DDDD.

See? Uncool. And not like Michael Cera used to be cool uncool. Or Cory Monteith’s cute uncool. Just uncool. Period.

You’re about to tell me that I’m a f-cking bitch. That I should understand that teens are awkward. Sure. They are awkward. I get it.

But this kid posed with his shirt off Brad Pitt styles on the cover of ROLLING STONE. They aren’t selling this kid on awkward. They’re selling this kid on hunk. And the packaging doesn’t fit the product. Or maybe it does. Glossy, fake, ubermanufactured, says all the right things...

Every question asked of Taylor Lautner last night resulted in the same:

I’m excited about Valentine’s Day, my new movie! Aw shucks, go see it, it’s gonna be swell!

Two words come to mind. You know what they are?


Photos from Adriana M. Barraza/Fayesvision/ and Frazer Harrison/Getty and