3%

That’s the rating for Taylor Lautner’s Abduction on Rotten Tomatoes.

3%!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it go lower than 5. I mean, I’m sure there are films who’ve scored less, and I’m sure you’ll know-it-all all over my inbox to prove it, but 3%, that’s quite an achievement.

And it’s not just that the critics hated it. It’s how ANGRY they were about hating it. Straight up hostile. Did you read Dustin Rowles’s review on Pajiba? Click here. I almost feel bad for Machine Taylor. Then I remembered they’ve programmed him not to have any feelings.

But this is what happens when you insult the moviegoer so blatantly. This is the reaction. It’s one thing to toss out a Fast & Furious feature and everyone knows exactly what it is, and seems to be in on the joke. It’s another when earnest Taylor’s trying to summon up an emotion, with no irony whatsoever, and you realise these motherf-ckers literally just spent a few million dollars making him do sit-ups without even pretending to care about a story or, for that matter, a performance.

What’s the difference between Taylor Lautner and a blow-up doll?

It’s not the poor kid’s fault. Not totally. Because they decided a long time ago that he would be a package. That they would package him to be sold. That they would not allow him to develop organically. They chose instead to create a Tom Cruise/Ken Doll/Teletubby hybrid. And the audience, reacting almost biologically, like a new heart or a kidney it knows is not natural, has rejected Hollywood’s latest plastic leading man.

It’s time for Team Taylor to regroup. Because this sh-t is about to flame out soon if they don’t re-examine their strategy. Or at least... give him a personality! This is what interests me the most. How will they “fix” him? Who will they hire? Taylor Lautner was paid $5 million for this movie. I don’t think he can keep asking for that if this is what he’ll be delivering.

Attached - Taylor and Lily Collins at the UK premiere of Abduction today in London.