Taylor, you give to us so much. You really are so selfless and wonderful.  

I thought it wasn’t going to be a you night, really. After all, you showed up looking age appropriate in brown/eggplant (Lainey would want me to point out that it was satiny and wrinkled) and your hair was sedate. It was Not About You, you were trying to tell us (which usually means that it is).

I would have paid significant amounts of money to see a camera on you full-time, not just to see how you would rearrange your expression when Tina Fey took a shot at your penchant for going young with your dating, but to see who you were scoping out in the audience to look at. Let’s be honest, T, it was a pretty senior crowd last night, and though I know you’ve gone both ways, I want to warn you that nothing good  - not even a song - will come of a flirtation with Joaquin Phoenix.  Don’t do it. 

Instead, maybe your next album can be about women who done you wrong? I’ve already started a draft of your song about Tina and would be happy to share it with you, but your song about what it’s like to look at Adele and realize that’s someone who has talent that will be with her for decades, while yours is perhaps best used now, while you can …that’s a song I want to hear. Also one called Hide My Face where you sing about how invasive awards show cameras can be, when you don’t know that you’re snarling at the winner of the award you wish you had.  See GIF below for inspiration.