That’s what I was doing the whole time Taylor Swift was in that onesie. On the one hand, I appreciate that she didn’t show up in Elie Saab. That she dressed for the VMAs. That she styled for the occasion. Unfortunately, the choice was really sh-tty. Because she doesn’t have the attitude to make it provocative. All that’s happening here is that she’s making me really uncomfortable. I’ll look at a lot of camel toe. But I never, ever want to see camel toe on Taylor Swift, you know what I mean?

The other problem with this outfit is the pattern, those letters. You know what that is? That’s what you see on knock-off designer bags at the Chinese mall. It might have been Mary Katrantzou but it looks like a fake. Also, the old lady mom hair continues to be a problem. And you know what?

Don’t get up on stage, accompanied by dozens of dancers, a direct rip-off of Material Girl, and then drop the “spoken word” during the number about how you want to jump off the ledge but that’s crazy and not you and you don’t want to do it. Because it’s a lazy gimmick when we know you’ve already been in rehearsal for a week.

Taylor Swift can’t stop giving us a voiceover for her life. Thing is, you can keep TELLING me who you are, but until you SHOW me, I won’t believe you. Also, please don’t do this anymore: