Inspired by a line in Tropic Thunder. Either you know it or you don’t.

I started the VMAs on Team Taylor last night. The hair and makeup were good. The matching colour dress with her bff Selena Gomez was good. With an ex-boyfriend in the house and the girlfriend of an ex-boyfriend in the house, that’s how you do. And it should be enough. Anything more and it starts to look like it’s not. Oh but where Taylor Swift is concerned, I guess it’s never. Never enough.

First there was the “shut the f-ck up”.

Initially I didn’t think so. I even watched it 5 times back on my own tv and didn’t think so. Then I called Jacek over and he didn’t think so either. This is why the internet is such a terrible, beautiful beast. Thank you, internet, for microscoping the moment. Here are two options:

This gif of Taylor Swift saying, "Shut the fuck up"... on Twitpic

Could we eliminate crime if the internet paid attention to it the way we pay attention to cutaways at award shows? Let’s take this moment to big up the control room at the VMAs. We could have used more gossipy split screens, or maybe I’m the only one who cares about Kendrick Lamar and Drake, but compared to the Oscars? Please. For the Taylor Swift and the Willow Smith alone, that control room was gave us a lot of gold.

So Taylor presumably tells Harry Styles to shut the f-ck up. And then, when she wins for I Knew You Were Trouble, she makes a point of calling out the person who inspired the song – “you know who you are”. Yes. Because they just gave you a trophy for it. That’s like telling someone you’re 22 and then explaining that 22 is 20 + 2. We get it!

They cut to Harry Styles at that point. I know why they did it. And I loved his little chewing gum face in response, but Harry Styles came after. Harry Styles was not the inspiration for I Knew You Were Trouble. You know who they should have put the camera on at that moment?

Katy Perry.

Katy Perry, if you recall, was one of the first people at the VMAs to sh-t on Yeezus after he Kanye’d Taylor in 2009.

But what a difference 4 years makes. Because at that point, when Taylor didn’t know when to stop, you wanted Kanye to jump up there and stop her, didn’t you? YOU DID. I know you did. Katy Perry probably did too.

I just realised the problem I have with Taylor Swift is not that she’s a Mean Girl, but that she won’t go full Mean Girl. Meangirling isn’t something you can half-ass. And it’s not just about being fake. It’s about fully committing to being a Mean Girl. You want to be a Mean Girl? Fine. Hijack Kanye’s silhouette then. Put Russell Brand in your next video. THAT’s a true Mean Girl’s game. No more of these weak sauce love mysteries within revenge riddles inside jam jars. Because if Taylor Swift embraced the Mean Girl, she’d be a really, really great Mean Girl. You know this. You would love this.