The first trailer for the next Terminator is here, and it is some seriously silly sh*t. I refuse to deal with the movie’s real title, Terminator: Genisys, because it’s dumb, but it does seem to fit what looks like a highly stupid movie. There are ways to approach Terminator sequels that could be interesting and cool, but a pseudo-reboot of the first Terminator is not one of those ways. Ever since the first Terminator, the natural conclusion to the story has always felt like going into the future and seeing a grown John Connor fighting robots, but for some reason, the franchise refuses to do that. The last installment, Terminator: Salvation, featured Christian Bale as Connor, but the movie was really about Sam Worthington’s character, which is a shame because Sam Worthington is made of cardboard. I don’t know why James Cameron and Company refuse to give me a movie that is just John Connor taking everything he learned as a kid and everything his mother taught him and using it to fight robots. It doesn’t have to be complicated.
And yet Terminator: Spell Check looks very complicated. You can never look too closely at time travel movies because the logic never holds up (hello, X-Men: Days of Future Past), but this is especially kooky. Jason Clarke is a grown-up Connor and he sends Jai “Mashed Potatoes” Courtney back in time to save the Khaleesi, which is the plot of the first Terminator.
But then the Khaleesi is like, “Nah, we’ve already done that sh*t,” and she’s got an old man with her and they’re fighting an Asian T-1000 (South Korean actor Byung-hun Lee, who deserves better than this). So instead of just watching Future Robot War with John Connor, we’re stuck with a hybrid of the first two Terminators starring Mashed Potatoes. It’s exactly the movie no one asked for, and Paramount thinks it will kick off a new trilogy. That’s adorable.