I have seen Nine Lives, so no movie will ever really seem THAT bad to me again. In the eternal sh*t vs. diarrhea debate, Nine Lives is always the diarrhea, which means that The Boss Baby is just sh*t. Starring the vocal talent of one-time Capital One pitchman and sometimes Trump impersonator Alec Baldwin, The Boss Baby is a crap movie designed to implant a nightmare into the minds of young children, namely that their parents are incapable of loving them enough. That’s right, the entire premise of The Boss Baby is that love is a finite resource and the more kids—or puppies—a family has, the less the parents will love their children. This movie is so cruel to its target audience I’m surprised it doesn’t include a “Santa Isn’t Real” montage.

The plot of The Boss Baby is completely insane (it’s adapted from a board book of the same title by Marla Frazee, we are one step away from turning the maze on the back of a box of Trix into a movie). It’s like a third sequel to The Matrix in which humans have been awoken from their goo-coffins and the robots who built the Matrix are doing a REALLY BAD JOB of explaining what’s been going on in the real world to the goo-people. In the world of The Boss Baby, babies don’t come from vaginas, they come from “Baby Corp”—it’s not that sex ed needs to be included with children’s entertainment, but this explicitly posits that children are corporate products—and Boss Baby is a manager at Baby Corp. He is also an adult who is kept forever physically a baby by a magic formula. Zootopia accidentally appealed to Furries, and The Boss Baby accidentally appeals to people who like extreme age play.

Boss Baby turns up at the home of Tim (adult = Tobey Maguire, child = Miles Christopher Bakshi), because people are loving puppies more than babies, and Boss Baby is going to get to the bottom of this love deficit. He chooses Tim’s family because his parents work for Puppy Co., where all the world’s puppies are produced, and Boss Baby wants to sabotage the launch of a new puppy, which will only make the love deficit worse because, remember, love is a limited resource and if you don’t secure your status as its solitary recipient, your parents will eventually stop loving you.

The first part of The Boss Baby is not that bad, really, and works as a parable for older siblings dealing with the arrival of a new baby. But the potentially positive life lesson about learning to share is vaporized by the “your parents only have so much love” plot device that brings Boss Baby into Tim’s world, not to mention that the movie largely revolves around the idea of DISPOSING OF PUPPIES, which is some Nazi sh*t.

Who is this supposed to appeal to? It’s too dumb-insane for adults, and too traumatizing for children. The colors are bright and there are zippy action sequences to amuse easily distracted tots—to be fair, the animation is pretty great, especially how they delineate between reality and fantasy—but given the messaging it seems the only children suitable to view this movie are extremely young ones, with unformed brains and incomplete memory development (so they don’t retain that “limited quantities of love” plot point). Basically, the only people to whom The Boss Baby appeals are children young enough to still be entertained by jingling keys.

Attached - Alec Baldwin at the New York premiere of Boss Baby last week with wife Hilaria and two of their children.