Have you ever seen a beer commercial and looked at all the happy, smiling white people of above-average attractiveness and apparently unlimited income frolicking on a beach or at a barbecue and thought, Gosh, I wish that was my life? Well now you can! Yes, it’s true, YOU can experience White People: The Lifestyle*, thanks to the patented Nicholas Sparks White People Experience! This is not just a game, this is a unique opportunity to experience life as only a totally delusional asshole can! For just ten dollars, you can roll the dice and enjoy your customized Nicholas Sparks White People Experience. Let’s play!
First, you have to set up the board. This game takes place in a coastal setting because white people always live near large bodies of water. It is an indisputable fact of nature that any white person worth knowing is a seafaring sort (or a cowboy). If you’re a white person who lives anywhere other than a charming coastal town, you’re probably a horrible harpy that deserves to be run over by a taxicab!
Next, let’s draw character cards. The basic characters available are: All-American Boy, he’s a down-home good ole boy; Uptight Shrew, she’s more concerned about her career and/or education than romance, uh oh!; Total Bitch, she’s just a total bitch and no one likes her; Loyal Sibling, comes in male and female varieties; and The Other Guy, who is perfectly nice and supportive of Uptight Shrew’s ambitions but f*ck him anyway, he’s The Other Guy! You can also draw up to two diversity cards to ensure that your in-game white people are tacitly understood to be inclusive and all that other PC bullsh*t, but please note that the diversity cards do not include LGBTQ options and if you keep rubbing the faces of the boy cards together like that you will go straight to hell! Also, you will receive bonus character points if you draw a Black Friend card.
First roll—it’s the Meet Cute! In this round All-American Boy and Uptight Shrew have a confrontational meeting and All-American Boy falls instantly in love. Uptight Shrew is not in love because she has other sh*t to do, like study for her medical exams. Bonus points if this round includes an animal that will later turn out to be magical in order to advance the plot in a twee way because white people’s lives are governed by the whimsical hand of fate!
Second roll—it’s the Conflict! Gosh darn it, All-American Boy and Uptight Shrew just can’t stop arguing. Plus she’s with The Other Guy! But it’s comically apparent to everyone that they’re meant to be together if they can just stop bickering. Bonus points if Uptight Shrew keeps calling All-American Boy “smug” in a way that suggests she doesn’t really know what that word means!
Third roll—it’s the Hook Up! With The Other Guy out of town All-American Boy makes his move because that’s not shady at all. After a whirlwind romance straight out of an erectile dysfunction commercial, Uptight Shrew succumbs with near helpless resignation to All-American Boy’s charms. Bonus points if it seems like Uptight Shrew throws her life ambitions out the window as soon as All-American Boy bones her!
Fourth roll—it’s the Dreaded Misunderstanding! The Other Guy returns and Uptight Shrew breaks All-American Boy’s heart because women are the f*cking worst and never know their own minds about what they want in life. Despite All-American Boy’s heartfelt plea Uptight Shrew remains with The Other Guy, with whom she was having an apparently long-term and satisfying relationship up until a month ago, and she must be so confused right now but there’s no room for compassion or patience in the Nicholas Sparks White People Experience. Real men are self-determining leaders, and women are dim bulbs who can’t make a decision. Bonus points if this round includes a proposal play in which All-American Boy and Uptight Shrew’s parents make all her decisions for her!
Final roll—it’s the Ubiquitous Tragedy! There is an accident and someone is hurt, maybe even dying. In this round you can draw a Women Are The Worst, Ruin Everything card, which ensures that the tragedy will in some way destroy All-American Boy’s life. Then, with your final roll of the dice, you will determine whether or not your Nicholas Sparks White People Experience has a bittersweet or conventionally happy ending. Bonus points if you draw a Healing Power of All-American Love card, which activates health points after All-American Boy does something manly like build something with his own two hands and it is heavily implied that this act magically saves Uptight Shrew.
Congratulations! You have completed the Nicholas Sparks White People Experience, the unique role playing game that lets you vicariously live White People: The Lifestyle*.
*As seen on TV