The eighth Fast/Furious movie has an official title and it is The Fate of the Furious and somehow, miraculously not F8 of the Furious. To whoever chooses the names for these movies—YOU HAD ONE JOB. How do you not name it F8 of the Furious?! It’s RIGHT THERE. You can do 2 Fast 2 Furious but you’re too good for “F8”? Oh, well, look who’s a big fancy man in his big fancy pants, using full words instead of number-word hybrids to title his movie. Excuse me, you big fancy word-using man. Your movie is still about Vin F*cking Diesel trying to out-macho The Rock.
The first trailer for F8 of the Furious—if you won’t do it right I will FIX IT FOR YOU—dropped last night and it’s basically Fast Furious: Civil War. Vin Diesel turns on his family—THESE MOVIES ARE ABOUT FAMILY NOT CARS AND HOT GIRL ASSES—because Charlize Theron’s braid-wig is so hilarious he just has to see where she’s going with her whole villain plot. I mean, I get it, if Charlize Theron walked up to me wearing that wig I would be like, f*ck it, let’s see where this goes, too.
Or MAYBE he turns on his family because he can’t stand The Rock and the entire movie was designed to limit the amount of days those two had to be on set together. Or MAYBE their little Insta-spat was all a hoax for publicity. Who knows! Just god and Charlize’s braids! But always keep in mind that Vin Diesel considers this “his” franchise but it was The Rock who came in and “saved” it with Fast Five which is when this franchise got “good” and there are a lot of qualifying quotation marks here because I don’t know when we decided to take these movies seriously. And we’ll never know what really happened and by the time the press tour rolls around no doubt everyone will be lovey-dovey for the cameras, but this wouldn’t be the first or probably last time someone has allegedly complained about Vin Diesel on a set.
For #8 the family returns minus #RIP Paul Walker, plus Nathalie Emanuel is back from the last movie. I’m glad to see Missandei getting non-dragon work but I do wonder if she ever thinks, “If I’d just held out for a couple more years I could have been in Black Panther.” Jason Statham is also in this and apparently joining the family and honestly, I’m into it. The last movie needed more Stath. This time he’s teaming up with The Rock because of Vin Diesel’s braid-inspired betrayal. Scott Eastwood is also in this movie because THAT IS JUST WHAT EVERYONE WANTS, MORE OF CLINT EASTWOOD’S OLD SPERM ON SCREEN.
There is no Helen Mirren in this trailer, so if you’re keeping score that’s Scott Eastwood: 1, Helen Mirren: 0, which is an ABOMINATION. But it’s also Jason Statham: +10, Kurt Russell: +25, The Rock: +50, Charlize Theron’s Fake Braids: + 77. But then you have to figure “Fate” vs. “F8”: -82. So that means that this trailer averages 80, but I’m deducting points for the presence of Scott Eastwood, which is another 67 points to Slytherin, which brings the score down to 13. If this trailer were a test F8 would fail but luckily it’s not a test it’s a commercial for a movie that is just about cars and hot girl asses. In that respect, it’s A+.