The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 14 recap

Three more episodes and we’re through with The Walking Dead for a while. These seasons are too long—I was ready to be done with this season about four episodes ago. But this also means that we’re getting into final act, and stuff happening, so there MAY BE SPOILERS.

Armless zombie chained up—that’s always a good place to start. It’s a Michonne and Andrea flashback. Anything involving Andrea is automatically 5% less fun.

Andrea asks about Michonne’s zombie-buddies and she says that “they weren’t human to begin with.” So…we’re retconning Michonne’s history? Because one of them is supposed to be her boyfriend. (Is that a spoiler? I feel like a bunch of you will yell at me for spoilers, but I honestly don’t know where we stand with stuff that’s been published for years.)

Transition to the Governor playing with chains. Either he was a big fan of 50 Shades of Grey back in the day or he’s dreaming about chaining up someone specific.

Oh my GOD, Andrea STILL thinks the Governor made an honest deal with Rick. Can we PLEASE just kill her and be done with it already? She is TERRIBLE.

Mengele kind of looks like creepy Val Kilmer, right?

The Governor is obsessed with getting revenge on Michonne. Interesting that Rick is only his secondary focus. Maybe they’re trending away from that thing that goes on that we’ve all been waiting for. (See that avoiding the spoiler?!?)

Mengele clues Andrea in, which is ridiculous, because if she had half a brain she’d already have picked up on the Governor’s backstabby ways. They plot treason against the Governor.

Oh NOW Andrea wants to kill the Governor. NOW, when she no longer has the element of surprise on her side.

Somehow the Governor never looks up and sees Andrea and Mengele watching him, and he stops her, but Mengele makes a good point—the Governor’s number 2 is even worse, and killing the Governor won’t stop the war with Rick & Co. So Andrea sets off, alone, to warn Rick (who has, reminder, already figured on the Governor trying to kill him whether he hands Michonne off or not. Because Rick, unlike Andrea, is not a total idiot.)

God, more of Andrea’s moronic brainlessness. She actually lets the Governor disarm her. Now she’s got no weapons. She’ll be that useless person in the video game, stuck in the corner bitch-slapping everyone.

Tyrese and his super-pretty sister are on Woodbury guard duty. I’ve already forgotten that girl’s name.

Tyrese is a terrible shot.
Well at least Andrea hung onto her little utility knife.

Andrea tries to warn off Tyrese, who at least lets her go. He may be the first person to actually respect Andrea’s agency.

Of course, he does turn around and tattle on her to the Governor.

And he shovels some sh*t about Andrea being crazy because she wintered alone (which isn’t true, on both counts). At least Tyrese and his pretty sister have the sense to not tell the Governor about Andrea warning them.

Mengele has no poker face. The Governor figures everything out in like two seconds and decides to go off and kill Andrea himself. So that’s what this episode will be—the Governor trying to get to Andrea before she can warn Rick & Co.

Tyrese’s two scuzzy friends have been indoctrinated into Woodbury, and we get into some history between them. It’s some kind of alpha-male pissing match about Tyrese saving some chick. Whatever—if you’re not going to show it to me I don’t care. Listening to people talk about old history is BORING.

Gun-less Andrea is set upon by zombies. She does a pretty decent job with her tiny knife.

Tyrese and Pretty Sister see the zombie trap and are like, “Uhh…WTF?” Tyrese is definitely morally disturbed by the plan to feed Rick & Co. to zombies.

We’re back to this “whatever happened to Donna” sh*t with Tyrese and the scuzzy dude. Tyrese and Pretty Sister want out of whatever Woodbury is up to (good luck with that).

The Governor is driving a total Death Race truck. Which Andrea somehow manages to outrun.

(Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag looks awesome. I’m going to go broke on video games this year.)

And the Governor has caught up to Andrea, in the world’s least-suspenseful game of cat and mouse.

Warriors, come out and pla-ay.

Seriously, Andrea, you should have just killed him in his sleep. Could’ve been an awesome, “Judith and Holofernes” moment.

They’re tracking each other by zombie kills. Not a bad concept, but this scene is dragging. Because it’s just filler. Because there are too many episodes in these seasons.

She leaves the Governor to fight his way through the zombies. And if she leaves without stealing his truck, I’ll  be so disappointed.

A mystery person sets fire to the zombies rounded up to use against Rick & Co. Has to be Mengele.


At least she made it to the prison. All-Woodbury episodes are the worst. Not a likeable person in the bunch and we’re not invested in Tyrese and Pretty Sister enough for them to matter yet.

No, nope, never mind. The Governor catches her before she can hail Rick, who chalks seeing her up to one of his illusions (assumption, but he does shrug it off).

Ew. Burned zombies are still dead-alive. Gross.

The Governor says he didn’t find Andrea, so…he killed her? Or else she’s tied up in the back of the truck and he doesn’t want Martinez to know what he’s going to do to her. Because not even dumass Martinez can miss the pattern of the Governor killing/leaving for dead his lieutenants. He also orders Tyrese and Pretty Sister’s death. Busy day for the Governor. Lots of killing on his plate.

Oh godammit, now Tyrese and Pretty Sister are falling for the Governor’s bullsh*t about not intending to kill Rick & Co. Everyone on this show is dumb. I hope they all get eaten by zombies.

Mengele, son, you probably shouldn’t have mentioned the zombie pits getting burnt up.

And there’s Andrea, in the Governor’s creepy torture chamber.


Status Check:
Rick – On guard duty.
The Governor – Mass-murdering whackjob.
Andrea – Totally f*cked.
Mengele – Also totally f*cked.
Tyrese – As gullible as Andrea.

Worst thing seen/heard this week: Burnt up zombies.
Zombie kill of the week: Andrea to the head with a tiny knife.