So last night, via the always incredible Vulture, I read this list of wardrobe restrictions that CBS has asked to be relayed to performers at the Grammy Awards.

Here is the list in its entirety:

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could  possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

Gee, what sticks out here? “Female Breast Nipples” are a problem, along with  “Bare Sides or under curvature of the breasts”. Oh, and “Puffy” bare skin exposure”  above the genital region (I believe this area is better known by that useful acronym “FUPA) can also be a problem.  

So basically, the Grammy Awards doesn’t want to have women’s bodies exposed or visible in any way. True to their reputation as the network for geriatrics, they’ve decided to have their fingers on the pulse of the exciting music industry by continuing to have the women who have escaped being beaten by another more important Grammy performer not tempt or defraud anyone with those maddening curves. “Bare fleshy under-curves” of the buttocks are also not allowed, so am I to assume Beyonce will be arrested upon entry into the building?

Look, this note should be (yet sadly, isn’t ) a joke but the fact that they were so tone deaf as to write it is a problem. Because Justin Bieber will wear a tank top so loose that I will have full view of his still-developing chest and pink nipples, and if Lil Wayne should appear there is a good chance he’ll be shirtless, and the LMFAO guys are freeballing it in every on-air performance … but let’s not worry about that.

Let’s not worry about the fact that last year the Grammy Awards and CBS gave a known woman-beater several chances to perform to an audience of millions – that’s not the concern here. That’s not what will offend viewers, or what should offend viewers. No. Side-boob, though, that’s a damned evil that we can’t have on our television screens. I mean, have you seen what women are wearing these days?  No wonder we have so many problems in the world.

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