(There are other, several, non Tom & Katie posts scheduled for today. Most of them are half-written but I’ve had to put them on hold because these two seem so determined to take over the world. Please know those stories are on the way.)

Katie Holmes announced she’d filed for divorce from Tom Cruise on June 29. Today is July 9. It took her all of 10 days to secure primary custody of No Longer Little Sci, secure a new home in New York, and secure public protection from the Church of Scientology.

Who are you Katie Holmes???

It’s now confirmed that Tom and Katie have reached a settlement. Her lawyer Jonathan Wolfe released this statement: 

"The case has been settled and the agreement has been signed. We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life.

This result could not have been achieved without the hard work of my partner Gary Skoloff and our co-counsel Allan Mayefsky, Michael Mosberg and Larry Trachtenberg of Aronson Mayefsky and Sloan and Peter Walzer and Chris Melcher of Walzer & Melcher in California.

We thank Tom's counsel for their professionalism and diligence that helped bring about this speedy resolution."

The wording is brilliantly hilarious. Read the first two sentences back. Does that sound like someone coming out of a divorce? Or does it sound like a clapping orgy, followed by a huge VICTORY PARTY? Katie may have agreed not to sh-t on Scientology anymore but there are other subtle ways to go about getting her point across. Allowing her lawyer to send out a euphoric announcement celebrating her FREEDOM is one of them. Right? Normally in these situations, it’s all sombre and restrained:

We are relieved to have come to terms and ready to put this behind his. Please respect our privacy as we move forward from a sad situation. Blah blah blah.

Oh no. Not Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes may as well be screaming “Shots! Shots! Shots!” standing on top of the bar, that’s pretty much the message behind her lawyer’s statement...while her now ex-husband now has to resort to moping.

But this is amazing, non? Katie Holmes??? F-ck Blake Lively. Katie Holmes, how did she DO that???

Right now, the terms of the settlement are not public. But that doesn’t mean we’re all not trying to find out. I’ve only had time for a few calls but I’m told the money isn’t substantial, at least not directly for Katie. Independently I’m told Suri will have a trust. More information, including details about confidentiality agreements etc are forthcoming, and I’ll try to have it all covered later today or early tomorrow, in addition to Tom’s access to Suri, and what his limitations will be. Something called a “nanny clause” has been coming up from more than one source. Will keep you posted.

Here’s Katie with Suri heading to the museum today. Note how often she’s taking cabs now? It’s not like Katie Holmes doesn’t have a driver either. She could have several drivers, easy. What’s with the taxi rides then? Well, this is the new public image:

A young single mother living in New York, no longer living the secretive Tom Cruise lifestyle, trying to get down with the people and not at all by accident.

But were you there all along Katie? Did we underestimate you?