So Tom Cruise and Robo appear on the cover of T: the NY Times Style Magazine due out on Sunday. Each girl gets her own cover, each was interviewed separately, each gushed sugar rape Rossum styles about their love. 

But first…

Katie Holmes insists she can think for herself: 

"There's a misperception about me that I just became this wallflower, this woman who doesn't have any control of her life. And that's pretty wrong. From the very beginning, I've made choices in my life that have been very strong."

Yes. I’m totally convinced. Are you? 

KatE goes on to explain that she fell in love with Tom instantly: 

"When I met Tom I was completely in love and, yes, I admired him growing up – he's Tom Cruise! … When I met him, he was so warm and I thought, Wow! You can be a superstar and a human being. He made me feel so amazing."


As for what we say about her, the gossip, the tabloid fixation, our worry that half her brain is missing – KatE doesn’t care: 

"My life has expanded. My family and friends are all part of this bigger life. I have too much to do. I'm a mom and an actress with a play to do every night. I can't pay attention to all that noise."

Xenu’s eager pupil, non?

As for Tom Cruise…well he reveals that the two were so smitten with each other they had to have an engagement race-off! 


Who says this sh-t? 

Apparently he bought her engagement ring immediately after their first meeting.

Can you imagine?

If some dude bought my engagement ring right after our first date, there would be no second date. Gross!

This however, obviously, wasn’t a dealbreaker for KatE, oh no. She then told him that she dreamed of being his wife when she was a little girl. So he promised her that “I wouldn't want to disappoint her."

To borrow from Madonna – get me outta here, I’m gagging!

But it only gets worse. 

"I knew I wanted to marry Kate when I met her. After our very first date, I was sure. At one point, I thought she was going to ask me to marry her first and I cut her off by changing the subject. I wanted to ask her."

Next … the videos. 

Both KatE and Tom sat down for the Times Screen Test. F-ck these two are weird. 

She is completely devoid of…anything. Is constantly censoring herself. Her clip is edited to death, making you wonder what they had to cut out. And she can’t even bring herself to talk about a first date – as if boys didn’t exist before Tom came round!

Zero personality. It’s fascinating only because you keep waiting for her to grow some charm. And it never, ever happens.

As for him…

It bothers me he seems incapable of referring to anyone by their first and last name. It’s always “Newman” when referring to Paul Newman. As if by doing so, his dick is bigger. Then he makes a point of suggesting that he didn’t have to audition for the sex scene in Risky Business because “they thought he could do it”, like there would be no doubt that Tom Cruise could work it in the bed. What? 

When the talk turns to his first movie date, he names Smokey and the Bandit and then says he was attracted to the girl because she ate a lot of ice cream.

Oh hi Gay. How are you? 

By the time his Donald Duck impression comes on you’ll be itching with discomfort. 

Click here to watch both videos.