Being crazy is one thing. Because if you’re cool and crazy, it’s all good. Cool can turn crazy into an artform – just ask Christopher Walken. But there is nothing, nothing, nothing worse in showbiz than being uncool.

And Tom Cruise is uncool. Tom Cruise is SO uncool that he makes anyone who associates with him uncool too. Take for example Will Smith. Once upon a time Will Smith was the coolest cat ever. Will Smith’s charisma and his humour, his sexy gait, his cute ears, his clothes, his wife, his kids… everything about Will Smith was cool.

But Will Smith is now besties with Tom Cruise. Admit it… Will Smith ain’t so cool anymore. 

So here they are the Cruises. At Madonna’s Malawi event last night looking sharp both of them. Tom’s new hair is workin’ for me – is February Scientology haircut month? John Travolta got a haircut too. Weird. 

And then of course there’s Katie. Katie last night was a smash hit. The dress, the shoes – can you believe she wore those shoes? Those skyscrapers? This is why she slouches, see? As for those pregnancy rumours – guess not. Mrs Cruise is THIN. And she is also being presented!

What would a Cruise carpet be without the presentation? 

Word is it was a super fun, relaxed vibe inside. Celebrities catching up, easy camaraderie, free flowing champagne… except the Cruises did not fit in. I’m told from one source that they “weirded people out” with their intense conversations. People wanted to chill and instead they got “the staredown”. 

You know about The Staredown, don’t you? 

When engaged in conversation, Tom’s eyes apparently never leave yours. Not for a second. After 30 seconds it becomes unsettling. After 5 minutes it’s downright terrifying. A well known Canadian actress told me last year she couldn’t run away quickly enough after conversing with Tom and Katie at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. She said she could only handle their bug eyes for so long.

Last night, it was more of the same. Tom and his Robobride painfully not fitting in and awkwardly trying to ram their ethics into other famous people who don’t like them. 

But seriously, can you imagine? Can you imagine little Tom chasing Anna Wintour around with his ethics as she tries to wither him with her evil eyes?

Just the thought of it totally makes my life. 

Photos from and