As mentioned earlier, Tom and Katie were on hand for the Beckhams birthday party last night in Santa Monica. Which means that, again, In Touch Weekly is, as usual, full of ass. Katie is NOT leaving him. Maybe that’s why she looks like sh*t.

That gold dress on Katie used to be a couch in Hong Kong at the Peninsula hotel – back in the 40s when ladies smoked out of long, slender pipes, and always wore gloves. They were Kept Women - women who chosen for their fresh appeal at one time, who would never see legitimacy, who were paid a lot of money to shop and play mahjong all day and get on their knees occasionally. Women who aged too quickly – happiness and moisture draining from their faces until all of a sudden, 30 looked like 40 and 33 looked like 55.

Katie Holmes turns 30 this December. Could’ve fooled me.

And not to be a bitch but she really should stay away from those shoes. They make her feet look gargantuan.

Oh and you baby obsessed out there losing your sh*t over the bump – try to restrain yourselves. From other angles, the dress looks less bulgy…but here’s a curious little piece of information:

The Boston Marathon is today. Remember all those reports that Katie was supposed to run? Unless she left for Boston at midnight PST and decided to run on only 3 hours sleep, Katie isn’t there.

My smutty sense is tingling… yours?