People Magazine is the Bible for the MiniVan Majority. And today, it is a full-on assault! On the cover of the latest issue of the magazine – Keith Urban, see attached, waxing hilarious about his employer wife, an exclusive deal likely scheduled well in advance withOUT considering Tom Cruise’s timing.

Which might be why is now pumping out article after article on Tom’s family, starting first with Little Sci’s little tea party on Saturday. Remember, we are only 8 weeks away from the release of Morton’s (reportedly) explosive tell-all. The Cruises now need the full backing of the MiniVan. And so we have to suffer through the following: 

Inspired by the “Madeline” series, Little Sci and her friends danced and played at a party held at the Carlyle Hotel, and that rumble you hear is the rush of MiniVan mommies everywhere hurrying to be the first to copy the occasion in their own suburban utopias, eager to emulate the new Camelot and the imaginative mothering of one Katie Holmes, the perfect young bride to the perfect not-gay husband, and together the parents of the perfect naturally conceived child.

Next – details from last night’s event in Tom’s honour and superlative-laden quotes from many of his friends and supporters. Of course Tom kicks off the love fest first with pure poetry for his wife: 

"I know, she"s impressive. She inspires me."

How many f&cking times do we have to listen to these two talk about how they “inspire” each other???

And then of course, just to piss off everyone else out there who’s had to get ready for a marathon, he announces that she only trained for just over two months: 

"I said that she trained for three months but it was really only over two months, actually. So, it"s quite an accomplishment [for] anyone to do that."

Naturally Katie had to return the favour, echoing her “inspirational” sentiments for Tom:

"He"s a constant source of inspiration and love."

But not to be outdone, in comes Will Smith! 

Guest speaking last night at the Museum of the Moving Image, Will honoured Tom’s heterosexuality: 

"Because I"m very secure in my manhood, I can say – you are very handsome. You the man, baby!" after which Tom must have bared his crazy teeth and cackled in delight. 

Be warned. There will be more. They will continue to rape you with their Rossum.