They caused a commotion last night that could only be rivalled by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Needless to say, Tom and KatE were the last to arrive. Quick tangent: Blake Lively came just before them. 

Like…

Blake Lively?

Sit DOWN Blake Lively!

Katie’s dress up close was spectacular. Entirely beaded, the colour just popped, and those shoes. The blue shoes and the orange/red dress was an inspired choice. Oddly enough, in person her makeup didn’t look so bizarrely orange. I actually remember thinking to myself that Victoria Beckham won’t be happy that Katie’s been hitting up her tanning bed with much better results. 

About the hair. Well the hair kinda worked last night. It worked with the whole ensemble. She really is a gorgeous, gorgeous girl. And even though she seemed pretty skinny during the Oprah/Cruise masturbation show on Friday, Katie in real life is healthy and fit…if not entirely alive.

It’s those eyes. Those eyes, even more so than in photos, those eyes are the chills. Those eyes seem devoid of thought and emotion, in complete contrast to his. Tom Cruise’s are intense. Wide open and buzzing. Like he’s had Red Bull injected into his eyeballs. 

He actually looked pretty good. Wee but trim, handsome… but asexual. Like an amoeba. You know how that is with some people? They can be pretty but there’s nothing pulsing underneath? That just about sums up Tom Cruise.

Not that they didn’t try. Oh they tried. They tried very hard to sell their love, and their lust too. 

Ew!

Ew because it was more like Daddy taking his little girl to the cotillion.

Ew!

So here’s comes The Presentation. For those new to the concept of “presenting Katie Holmes”, please click here. 

Presenting Katie Holmes is the Greatest Show On Earth.

But you know in figure skating, way back in the day, when doing like a double lutz used to the sh*t? And then came the triples, and just to make it harder in the 80s, they were doing triples in combination?

Then came the triple triples and that wasn’t enough so next came the quads and still the quads became mundane so the quads get thrown in combination with another jump which brings us to the current Quad Triple Triple that remains for now the sport standard. 

Think of the Presentation of Katie Holmes like a figure skating jump, ok? 

Now that we’ve become accustomed to the move, they needed to increase the degree of difficulty. All sports need to evolve. They made Augusta more challenging for Tiger Woods at the Masters, right? 

In the same spirit, Tom and Robobride have taken The Presentation to the next level.

The Presentation is now in Motion. It moves vertically. He doesn’t simply present her on a flat surface but has now mastered his patented Presentation for the steps. There is a take-off and a dismount. 

You should have seen them coming up the steps. If he was a conductor, he would have had a baton. He would have been directing our eyes to his bride. An outstretched arm guided his KatE and with her delicate hand gently but firmly placed in his, she danced up those stairs to the delight of every photographer.

We all held up our judging cards. 

6.0’s across the board!

But I’ve saved the best for last.

You know what was the best? The best part of the night? 

The best part of the night was that I heard it.

I heard him say it. I heard him say it twice.

I heard him say AMAZING.

Can you f&Cking standing it? 

They were at the top, just before the entrance, and someone leaned over and complimented Katie, and Tom’s face lit up and I heard him shout it:

Yes, she looks amazing!!! Amazing! 

I felt like he was doing it for us, you know? For our benefit, because Xenu is a generous alien. 

Isn’t it amazing???


Photos from Wenn.com and Splashnewsonline.com