David Beckham is, without dispute, one of the finest men on the planet. A face carved from Olympus, rock hard thunder thighs deft with a ball and even more deft wrapped around my body, a complete package proven to perform on and off the pitch, with goals, with sons, with mistresses… IQ notwithstanding, Becks is as close to perfect as it gets. So why should it be surprising that the most wily celebrity gaygay hasn"t noticed what we have salivated over for the better part of a decade? Why is it so disturbing to learn that they are friends, that Becks has been courted, not only for the GMD"s bed but also quite possibly for his Church? And why is it so unexpected that David would be flattered by such advances - after all, chav don"t discriminate between celebrity friends, savvy? Here"s David promoting yet another book, one for every child or more while some of the most talented, most heartbreaking works will never see the light of day. In this latest tome, David talks about professional disappointment, and those who rallied around him to provide support: "Tom talked about everything I had done in the World Cup, about the goal I scored and the goals I set up. He said I was a great player" that I played for Real Madrid, I"ve got a healthy family and three boys and a wife who love me to bits. It does you good just to hear somebody saying that sometimes. He"s a great example of someone who stays positive through everything. And, that"s how I started to get over what had happened with the England news. I got over it that way, with friends around me." That Tom Cruise is positive is not news. I once compared him to my dog Marcus, optimistic to the end, who wakes up every day with ill-fated dreams of kibble splashed everywhere and peanut butter overflowing his bowl. Delusional with a smile and a tongue hanging out of it…sound familiar? That Tom Cruise is willing to fellate David"s ego with his own brand of positivity pontification is also not news. Some itches just won"t stop itching, you know what I mean? Just look at John Travolta… although in his case, I suppose it"s more of a deep tissue thing and a boldness that stands at attention in the most masculine of environments. But I digress… Me? I don"t blame David for allowing what"s bruised to be stroked by a blindingly white set of teeth and a pair of hidden lifts, especially when they belong to Tom Cruise. Better that than infidelity. Better that it"s the GMD fawning and flapping over him than some 2 bit tabloid-courting flooze with a mouth as big as her vajayjay. Besides, I"m rather amused by the nocturnal notion that Tommy"s tossing and turning, haunted by unrequited lust, haunted by the wrong set of genitals sleeping right next to him, night in, night out. Is it possible that in our quest to bring him down, we"ve overlooked that that in itself is punishment enough?