It was totally funny for Tropic Thunder. It was a little less funny during the movie’s closing credits and on the DVD. It was I guess ok funny to do it for the MTV Movie Awards ads. It was definitely not funny when he opened the show. And it was embarrassingly sad when he performed with Jennifer Lopez during the telecast, effectively sucking up 3 minutes of show time with an artist who doesn’t have a current hit song and whose recording career can no longer compete. Then they tried to slap each other’s asses on stage and dry humped their disco sticks, two major names being desperate together...

How did Tom Cruise come to this? Tom Cruise is one massive Try.

Think about what Tom Cruise had to do to sell a movie. He had to wear fake chest-hair and put on a fake nose. He had to sweat like a mother-cker and hustle his old sh-t under a layer of plastic fat to an audience of teenagers who would rather watch guidos with spray tans and budget vampire movies and bad wigs.

And you’re not embarrassed for him? It’s the anti-thesis of cool.

Tom Cruise just became That Dad who did That Thing at the birthday party.

And while I don’t deny there’s something endearing in the effort, the fact that Tom Cruise is even eliciting that emotion these days is an illustration of what we are now. Can you imagine his contemporaries – Clooney, Depp, Pitt – can you imagine them having to resort to the same? Never. Those bitches barely work. And then there’s Tom Cruise, after a 25 year career and some of the most memorable movies resorting to a donkey ride on a kids’ field trip in exchange for a box office that isn’t even guaranteed.

I’m buying movie tickets out of pity now.

Photos from Christopher Polk/