KatE, KatE, KatE… over and over again it’s KatE. With an E. Not Katie. Katie’s not included. But KatE is The One.

As you know, Tom Cruise’s interview with the Almighty Oprah airs today. In all fairness, even though what he didn’t say about Scientology will still chill your spine, Tom pulled it off impressively well. Well enough for Oprah’s MiniVan audience to start fainting in the aisles again. 

Especially since he’s wearing so much blush. Seriously. They found the perfect shade of foundation for him and under Oprah’s flattering camera, he looks easily 10 years younger. Check it out. It’s fascinating.

Clearly though, he’s trying to make it right. This is a man scrambling to save his career. Which is why he appeared conciliatory, calm, and very, very coached. No doubt he was rehearsed. There is a lot of strategy behind this little sit down. A lot of strategy and a lot of deliberation and a lot of help. From Opes herself. 

I will help you, she said. 

She helped him and he was grateful. And then she parted the skies, let the light shine on his face, and asked her flock to forgive him. And they did. 

Of that hilarious Scientology video that’s been spoofed a million times, Tom said: 

"(It) was stolen. I was receiving an award that evening for global literacy. It was a very private moment. I"m actually talking to my congregation. It"s [taken] totally out of context.”

His congregation? 


And of the fraud that is his marriage, Tom insists it’s legit and that he’s tight with KatE’s family: 

"That's laughable to me. You just know that they're trying to sell it and spin it. (The Holmes are) amazing. I love them. You see why Kate is such an amazing woman -- incredible integrity and strength. They're family."

And finally… of smutty suggestions that he’s taken away his two older children from his ex wife, Nicole Kidman: 

"No, that"s ridiculous. We share custody. That's what it is."

So I guess she just chooses not to see her kids. Now THAT I totally believe.

Tom is mounting a comeback. You’ve seen what Oprah has been able to accomplish with Barack Obama. Perched on her great wing, Tom Cruise can very much do the same. Oprah can move mountains. She can part the seas. She can save Tom Cruise. 

Xenu help us all.