If you already have a Tom Hardy problem, this isn’t going to help. This will make it much, much worse. Here he is on the cover of UK Esquire. Some dudes, when they do the squinty eye thing, it doesn’t work, not at all. You don’t believe it. Like if there was actually cigarette smoke drifting across their faces, they wouldn’t hot-squint, their eyes would just water and they’d swat it away. Not hot. Think Justin Timberlake. I don’t believe when Justin Timberlake tries to sex me with his eyes.

Tom Hardy?


He was made for it.

Look at that photo of him with the big coat on, and gloves hanging out of his waist. And the one of him walking behind the dog. Like if ever you were in the mood to be rescued? The helpless fantasy isn’t really my thing. But…I’m just saying I would be more open to it if it looks like Tom Hardy.

Because he doesn’t just grunt and woodchop his way into your pants. Like, this guy has some thoughts. And his train of thought, in an interview, can sometimes read like Robert Downey Jr. That is to say he’s verbal. And while he may be more prone to a low drawl than RDJ’s quick gunfire stream of consciousness, it’s still a stream of consciousness that can be hard to follow, but keeps you in pursuit.

Which is why this whole piece should really be read start to finish. Think of it like an act of intimacy. You don’t want to start off right away with your pelvises grinding up and down on each other. You begin at the beginning of the foreplay. And you let your arousal build.

Let me make a note though. Much of the interview takes place in an arts and crafts place in Calgary – somewhere he says Leonardo DiCaprio would never show up to. It’s interesting, Hardy’s comparison of fame, his level of it and Leo’s. And what he is and isn’t willing to compromise. Perhaps it’s also a statement though. Because Leo exploits his own fame in ways that make it a waste of time for him to go paint a mug in a crock shoppe. It’s not like models hang out there. That said, the benefit of Hardy’s position is that he can dip into that advantage of Leo’s whenever he wants. And he does.

Also NB - at one point, Hardy gets an email about work the next day. Work, of course, is The Revenant. With Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu. Creative differences. Typically you side with the director over the spoiled actor. But this, this is a different perspective. The rare occasion when you might be able to sympathise with the choices an actor has to make when they stand to come out looking like the asshole.

Click here to read the full piece. A basketful of hints.