I deleted the knowledge that Tom Hiddleston is voicing Captain Hook in the latest Tinkerbell movie for Disney. It is in no way relevant to me, a grown-ass woman who does not have children to whom I must cater. So when Lainey emailed me about covering a new Tom Hiddleston trailer, I was thinking it was more Only Lovers Left Alive, or perhaps an advertisement for Coriolanus, which opens this week on London’s West End. Imagine my surprise when I was reminded that Hiddles recorded the part of Captain Hook for one of Disney’s direct-to-DVD Tinkerbell Fairy Land movies. Imagine my extra-surprise when Captain Hook does not appear in the trailer and Hiddles’ voice can only briefly be heard for about twenty seconds total. He gets more play in the Muppet trailer, and that’s for just a cameo.
I’m sure the Tinkerbell Fairy Land movies are great. I’m sure some of you with children can and will attest to this. And this particular outing also features vocal performances from Mae Whitman and Christina Hendricks, so it’s not like he’s in bad company. But let’s not pretend this is a distinguishing mark on his resume, either. Can we just agree to not be excited about this one?
You know what would be exciting? Tom Hiddleston in a live-action movie about REAL PIRATES. I have a whole section in my personal library dedicated to pirates, and I came very close to going to grad school and studying maritime history; pirates are my first love. I do not know how, in the pirate craze that came after Pirates of the Caribbean, no one looked around and said, “Hey guys, let’s make a serious pirate movie!” Bartholomew Roberts, Jack Rackham, Anne Bonny and Mary Read—there are so many options. I would throw money at a movie about Bartholomew Roberts, the stylish and gentlemanly—and HUGELY successful—pirate captain who wrote the famous “pirate’s code”. Black Bart, starring Tom Hiddleston. Get on that, Hollywood.