Like I said earlier, Twilight Eclipse is the best comedy so far of the summer. Does it matter if that wasn’t the intended reaction? Not to me. Because Darren, Fiona, and I, we had a good time laughing our tits off. And isn’t this the point of going to the movies? To enjoy ourselves, even if the reason for the enjoyment doesn’t exactly reflect the film’s purpose?

Frankly, after the atrocity that was Twilight New Moon, we needed some amusement. Whereas Twilight was (also unintentionally) campy and hilarious, New Moon was simply bad. And so with Eclipse it all comes down to my favourite comparison:

Sh-t vs Diarrhoea

The good news is that Eclipse (sh-t) is better than New Moon (diarrhoea). The bad news is that, well, that means it’s still sh-t. But at least it’s funny sh-t. Like Bella’s hair. The worst wig ever. Perhaps the same wig Taylor Lautner wore in the first movie. Coincidence or conspiracy?

We also couldn’t control ourselves over Peter Facinelli’s switch on switch off English accent. And every time Jasper had a scene, with his f-cked up zombie eyes and Carrot Top on his head, Fiona’s exhales of disgust would reverberate in Dolby around our theatre. This would send Darren and me into a new fit of giggles. And in between all of that, Darren kept shouting at Bella to close her mouth. Bella, as it turns out, is a mouth breather in Eclipse. Time it when you see it. She spends 80% of the movie, so approximately an hour and a half, with her mouth open. And she’s also a f-cking buzzkill. Not even Kristen Stewart’s considerable skill can save that loser from being a loser.

Why was it so LONG???

Editing seems to be a lost art in Hollywood. Every movie is too long. This movie is MUCH too long. Because they WON’T STOP TALKING. About their love. About their triangle. In the parking lot, outside the house, inside the tent, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking. About nothing. If you haven’t seen it yet and you need to pee when you do, go during the talking because when you come back they’ll STILL BE TALKING. They talk so much they don’t f-ck. Everyone can agree this is a problem.

And if they didn’t talk so much it might actually be a better effort. Because I was actually interested in some of the action. Especially when so much of the action was complemented by funky dance music. Without fail, during the most intense moments of Eclipse, like when they’re training for combat, or preparing to hunt down the bad vampire, all of a sudden they’d pump in some club beats which, when combined with Ashley Greene’s hysterically awful “fight face”, made for the kind of aching, teary laughs you should only share with your very best friends, all with your fist in the air to hype up the DJ. It’s how memories are made. Remember when Ashley Greene tried to act and they camouflaged her sucky-ness with a techno jam?


She, obviously, isn’t the only one though. Kellan Lutz makes Channing Tatum look like DeNiro and Jesus Christ, it seems like that little baby wolf learned his craft from Justin Timberlake. The most glaring example of amateur thespian styling however comes courtesy of Tom Cruise Jr himself. You want to know why Taylor Lautner spends the entire movie shirtless? It’s to compensate for his overacting. His overacting is enough to give you a tick, maybe even an incurable eye spasm. Part of it, no doubt, is Stephenie Meyer’s low grade material, but my friend L also attributes it to the earnestness. Lautner is just so earnest about every line, every movement, it takes away any possibility of believability. Which is why his chemistry with Kristen Stewart simply doesn’t work on a romantic level, especially not in comparison to Stewart’s chemistry with Robert Pattinson.

You could argue then that that’s all that matters. If you buy Stewart and Pattinson as Bella and Edward, they can piss on the rest of the content – and they DO – and it wouldn’t make a difference. I guess. The problem is what happens when their undeniable and palpable onscreen electricity gets undermined by sh-t ass f-cking cheese. Like the hideousness of that ring. And the ridiculously awkward, lame stank proposal so full of fontrum, Darren and I started eating our seats and almost hit the deck to look for popcorn that had fallen on the floor. Because what started out as a promising sex scene culminated in a chaste hug and a promise of marriage.

Please! We want the f-cking. Just F-CK HER ALREADY.

But he couldn’t. Because he was too busy filming a tampon commercial surrounded by a floral explosion in that crazy meadow. Goddamn he’s a pretty boy. But does he need to be accessorised by an entire continent of violets and daisies with soft light and angel dust? For Twi-Hards this was apparently meant to denote Heaven. For everyone else it was an air freshener advertisement. Or old lady perfume “Les Jardins”. These are the moments that make Eclipse a new classic. A classic comedy that keeps giving and giving, the kind of comedy that reveals new humour with each viewing. Like Madonna’s Swept Away.

Other brief notes:

- The new Victoria is brutal.
- Few actors can do what Anna Kendrick does in a short 30 seconds. She’s the best.
- Does Elisabeth Reaser ever speak?
- The wigs and makeup, it’s on purpose the low quality of it all, right? Because no one could possibly produce results like this and actually be TRYING.
- Nikki Reed, surprisingly, delivered a very strong scene opposite Kristen Stewart. They were great together.
- Why are the effects still so budget? Have they not made enough money?

This, then, is the fundamental flaw about this franchise and a question I’ll throw out to fans of it: why don’t you demand more? Why do you keep rewarding garbage? If you love the series, why don’t you insist that they spend more time and money making it better? Why do you continue to support a mickey mouse production that cuts corners and insults your intelligence?

Perhaps the answer is that what you’re getting from the films is simply a reflection of the source material. Excellence in this case then is impossible.