But then again, if you’re going, you’ve likely read it. So I guess it’s not that spoiley. But just in case, click away if you can’t handle it.
It was embarrassing, it was cheesy, it was cheesy, it was CHEESY, it was unintentionally f-cking hilarious, it was cringe-worthy, it was appalling…
In other words, just like the book. With one exception:
Twilight the movie is FUN.
Go on a busy night. Go and experience it with the fangirls and the loser moms. Go and hear the teens squealing. We had costumes, we had two girls dressed up as “the lion” and “the lamb”. There was a grown woman who arrived as Esme Cullen…
There were prom dresses, there was actually a young lady in a prom dress with a cast on her leg. Just like Bella.
And then during the movie, whenever a famous line from Stephenie Meyer’s drivel was uttered, they would sigh. Or inhale deeply. I think I heard some keening back there too.
I went with my friend Fiona. Fiona is not going to hell. She is my opposite. She is kind and considerate. She is reserved, not prone to dramatics, and completely unfrivolous. She is also not shallow or materialistic, she never judges unless I force her to, and she is not a pop culture junkie. Fiona did not read Twilight. She can hardly stand to hear me talk about it.
So I warned her. I told her she would be in pain.
And she was in acute pain. But after the pain there was giggling. Fiona is not a giggler. But I heard Fiona giggle. Because seriously, the cheese is so hilarious, it becomes entertaining. We killed ourselves laughing all the way home. And I haven’t had a drink in 3 days. For real.
Here are the specifics:
We’ll start on the downside, like foreplay before taking you to the crest.
Robert Pattinson is so heartbreakingly goodlooking it’s ridiculous. But his facial expressions…they will torture you. And not in a good way. Edward of course is supposed to be suffering. Always. Which is why he’s all pinched and miserable most of the time. Some dudes do pinched and miserable really hot. Joaquin Phoenix (before he bloated out) is a good example. Same goes for Edward Norton.
Not so much Rob. And it’s probably not him as much as it is the direction. Like they asked him to look constipated. Or pretend he was weeping in the fetal position. It’s incredibly distracting. After that it’s just funny. Not funny because they intended it to be, but funny because it’s so ugh.
Like science class is funny bad. When he smells her and he’s trying not to kill her is funny bad. That’s when Fiona realised what she was in for and lost her sh-t. I covered my eyes and whimpered. As in please make it go away. And again, near the end, when Edward sucks the venom out of Bella’s arm and has to stop himself from feeding on her blood…the look on his face, you will seriously die of laughter in a scene that is supposed to be gut wrenchingly frightening.
The piano moment is a “look away but can’t look away trainwreck” moment too. Edward is playing her “lullaby”. Ew! I’d rather a guy write me a f-cking jingle than a lullaby!
Anyway, the lullaby sequence is straight out of an 80s music video. Meatloaf, I Would Do Anything For Love. I’m telling you, it’s hurting.
The montages are equally hurting. There are several Edward and Bella “talking” montages. By the third montage, which happens right after the kiss (more on the kiss later), it’s like F-CK OFF with the montages already!
Especially the montage in the meadow.
Perhaps the most highly anticipated of all scenes, the meadow was a huge disappointment. It’s the dialogue of course. And his face as he’s delivering it. Not even Sean Penn could make that sh-t work, you know? Which is why it seems like even he’s having a hard time with it and passing a kidney stone through his penis.
The meadow is supposed to be one of the defining romantic moments in the series. Needless to say, it wasn’t. And the effects weren’t all that great either. Shocking because they went to Lucasfilm to do them.
Mainly it’s the flying. I don’t remember Edward as a flier. All of a sudden he’s like soaring with one arm forward like Superman. WTF? What happened to the running? More running next time please.
And sit DOWN with the Stephenie Meyer cameo! As Laura shrieked at me this morning over the phone… what is she like Stan Lee now?
Come on, it’s Twilight. It wouldn’t BE Twilight without a rant. I could go on. I could go on about the ludicrous way that Emmett rides to school or the fact that Jasper looked like a deranged puppet. I could go on about how it doesn’t make sense that Edward keeps running up to Bella only to tell her that he shouldn’t be talking to her. I could go on about the fact that it’s not exactly high level filmmaking…
But that’s not what it’s about, is it? Twilight has never been about that. What Twilight is about, Twilight the movie delivers. Edward and Bella. Get ready for the goodness.
First, Kristen Stewart is gorgeous. Since half the movie is close frame, her features are on full display and up close, the girl is beautiful. A great nose, great skin, great sexy little body and she is a Bella you can embrace. She is not the pathetic Bella of the books, prone to fainting and collapsing. She has a strong voice, a captivating presence, and you will need to hold on to her through the icky parts. The parts that make you want to punch yourself in the face. The corny ass, stinky mush that will send you over the edge...
In those moments, pretend you are pirouetting and trying not to get dizzy. Make Kristen Stewart your focus spot. The nausea will subside.
Or you can also make your focus spot Edward’s hair. Patrick Dempsey’s hair has NOTHNG on Rob Pattinson. His hair at prom will send you to pieces. I promise.
His entry scene will also send you to pieces too. Now THAT is an entrance. For a moment it made Laura forget about Daniel Craig – THAT’s what we’re talking about. Me? I preferred Edward in his sunglasses, announcing his status as Bella’s boyfriend in the parking lot at school.
He is smiling and he is light. It makes a huge difference. Because when he’s not looking tormented as mentioned above, Rob Pattinson’s happy face is completely intoxicating. Which is why he’s too good for Edward. Edward sucks. Edward is morose and broody and not in a Wolverine morose and broody quivering kind of way. But that’s another conversation.
Where were we? Oh yes. Rob. His face. His body. His body in clothes. Thank Volturi they didn’t go with Stephenie Meyer’s fashion sense and put him in a sleeveless white shirt. What they did put him in are pants that fit perfectly, thermal shirts that hug just so but not too much. A leather wristband that he totally rocks. And a suit at prom that he was made to own.
If Rob Pattinson is on your Freebie Five, the suit at prom will give you, to borrow from Borat, a sexytime explosion.
Me? My sexytime explosion was Cam Gigandet’s James. Maybe a little too much of the headcocking when he’s sniffing but he brings to James a swagger and a sexiness that was entirely missing from Stephenie Meyer’s writing. James is a beast. And a better one than she created.
Finally, because you’ve been waiting much too long, the chemistry…
The chemistry is EVERYTHING they said it was.
The chemistry is more than they said it was. So much so that teenage girls everywhere will be losing their virginity after seeing it this weekend. Sorry parents. Even Fiona impatiently wanted them to get it on. On the drive home she was like – one kiss? One kiss? What?!?
But it was that one kiss.
The kiss is So. F*cking. Hot. And they keep you hanging there right up to the touch point. They draw it out as much as they can. They made you want it. The entire audience wanted it. And when it happened, yeah, it was worth it.
Which is why you come out of it like the book. Sexually charged and frustrated. And it doesn’t help what he does to her at the end either. I’ll let you figure that out for yourself. But I’m warning you, it’s a horny way to cut it off…
Truly, these two are magic together. So magic you can’t help it. I can’t help it. Of course they should be a couple in real life! Of course they belong together! Of course they should be McGosling v2.0!
I am filled with self loathing and shame. Duana probably doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.
And still… if someone asked me to, I’d totally see it again this weekend. Probably buy the dvd too.
You will feel the same way. Trust.
So get in line, bring some smelling salts, lemon, whatever gets you through the Rossum, and send me your thoughts after.
Yours in sparkles,
PS. Rob and Kristen on the Today Show this morning talking about their togetherness. Note the WOMEN in the background. Like…would you ever??? I love how Kristen simply cannot pretend to like the books. The filmmaking is one thing, but interview after interview, she is incapable of saying anything positive about Stephenie Meyer. It makes my life.
Here’s Rob shooting the Tyra show today in NYC.
He looks like he can’t wait to get away from her.
Photos from Splashnewsonline.com