Written by Duana

Previously on the Vampire Diaries….Thanks to all of you on Twitter who told me which episodes would be best to watch and reminded me that Matt is human. OR USED TO BE.

Anyway, interestingly, nobody wanted me to watch anything from season 1 except the finale, “Founder’s Day”. So here we go.

Previously on the Vampire Diaries, Stefan was celibate for a hundred years until such a time as Elena came along, and then they totally did it. Some angry woman wanted the ‘invention’, and thought Elena was going to get it from Damon. Elena felt differently. Then Damon was like “No way” but gave it after all, and the angry woman told Elena it was because he’s in love with her. Meanwhile, Bonnie told Caroline that when Elena finds out what B did, she won’t forgive her.


Green dress. 1800s. Lace-up shoes. Katherine (one assumes) and Stefan are getting beautiful. Then it turns out maybe it’s Elena, because…

Dudes, it’s Founder’s Day at school! Stefan in an old suit! Damon on the other hand favours the open-necked black shirt. He and Stefan spar now that Isobel (Elena’s mom, right?) is gone, somehow. Somerhalder gets a lot of mileage out of bobbling his head on his neck. Just as Stefan says “Elena’s not Katherine”, the girl herself shows up WITH CURLY HAIR. You know what that means…maybe.


Jeremy, Elena’s brother (I researched). Apparently he’s a coalminer? ‘Anna’ appears in his bedroom so I assume she’s Joey Potter. Anna’s pretty peeved that Jeremy’s uncle killed her mother, who was a vampire. Jeremy’s all “…but can you blame him? Vampires.” Apparently his uncle was trying to protect the town against the “Tomb Vampires”. Anyway, Anna’s blowing town, and she thinks the easiest solution is for Jere to get vamped too. She gives him some blood. Apparently vampires don’t have to feel lonely, which is a bonus. Anyway, he can’t do it. She disappears.

Elena is being told by Stefan that maybe John is her real dad, and is not too impressed with the idea. She says “I even have problems with the family I actually care about” and isn’t that the total truth? Word, Elena. Apparently her bro is mad because he read her journal and she erased his memory and etc.

Caroline’s dreams of photos of everyone in founders’ gear are shattered because Matt is still mad at Tyler as a result of Tyler macking on Matt’s mom. Most of the names in the previous paragraph are guesses.

Yeah, Jeremy’s still pissed at Elena since apparently Damon wiped his memory. So are E and J biologically related at all? And if not, why did E’s adoptive parents have another kid so soon? Babies are a lot of work.

HUGE parade, floats, etc. Elena and Caroline are on the Miss Mystic Falls float. Caroline holds the title. Elena is a runner up. Stefan and she roll their eyes at Damon winking at them from the crowd. Then he approaches Bonnie and is all “thanks for saving my life”. Apparently, “The device that you de-spelled could have killed [him]”. What??? Anyway, he owes her. Do you think she’s collecting soon?

Football floats are annoying in every town, apparently.

We go to a doctor’s office. I bet I am supposed to know who he is. He explains the device. It needs a key and will work only once. It emits a dogwhistle that will paralyze all the tomb vampires. Then they get injected by the good doctor and his cronies with vervaine.

We go somewhere that I suspect is the tomb in question. Vampires are there, and they’re all sticking to the plan. Apparently they want revenge against the founding families.

Anwyay, we cut between the doc’s, where John thinks it’s the only way to kill the vamps, and the vamps, where Anna has returned.

OK, then lovey romantic music. Pool bar. Damon thinks Elena’s no good in period garb and is happy to have her back in jeans. They talk about how Stefan’s jealous about them being friends and it’s because of Damon’s “eye thing”. I really like that these two seem age-inappropriate even on the show, it’s more delicious.

Then she heads over to Jeremy, because apparently Elena can do all her emotional business in the one pool bar. He thinks she can go to hell, so I guess it’s not as easily said as done.

Jeremy goes a-wandering through some tents, and Damon follows and mocks him. Then Jeremy calls Damon a dick, and Elena a dick, and then Damon defends her, kind of grabbily. It’s interesting, but then Stefan is there ruining my fun. He says that while Damon turned Vicky (Jere’s ex girlfriend?) Stefan killed her, because she was a threat to everyone.

Anyway, then the brothers get to swing their dicks about who is or isn’t allowed to worry about Elena. Stefan basically says he loves her for real and Damon doesn’t get it. Then Damon does the ‘eye thing’ so I’m not fully convinced this is settled…

Grownups. The aforementioned John is horrifying a woman in police uniform(Liz) since they want to use the town as bait for the vamps tonight. I’m not sure if she’s more mad they’re doing this, or that they told all her deputies first. She’s the sherriff, and she says no – so John asks to see her alone, knocks her RIGHT out with, like, a forearm to the temple – and handcuffs her to a radiator. They have radiators? Where is Mystic Falls, again? Virginia?

Nighttime. Damon and Anna run into each other and even I can tell these guys never see each other. But she tells him about how the town vamps are going to eat the founding families tonight. Damon gets that crease in his face that I’m beginning to realize is when he’s feeling concerned about something.

Vampire training, and they correct me by saying it’s not about the feed, it’s about the kill. Damon grabs some tall guy who has stakes in his car, then warns Elena and Stefan in 15 words or less. Literally.

Pool bar. Caroline is trying to get her boyfie to make up with Tyler the werewolf. But then his dad (right?) the mayor storms in – because he knows about the vamp attack – and threatens his son to get into a house already. Dad gives him his keys and tells him to take Caroline and Matt, so it’s basically the vampire equivalent of being locked in an elevator so they make up.

In other news, Anna and Jeremy meet up.

Mayor? Speech. He congratulates the founding fathers. Methinks this town is a little bit of a patriarchy, no? Okay, the fireworks begin, and people start to cheer, or is it to scream? I’m about to pee my pants waiting for the vampires, and I see Bonnie walking through the crowd, and the music gets all angry-fied…

Elena and Stefan creep around but Damon goes to see John who is turning on the Vampire-dog-whistle machine – Damon and Stefan separately crumple to the ground, screaming. Anna too. It’s like a really severe way to deal with your daughter’s boyfriend, there, John.

In the car, Tyler is starting to get affected too, and is screaming and losing control of the car and it crashes with Caroline and Matt in it! Elena is crouched alone on the ground as Mr. Tall who went to get stakes comes back to save Stefan and Elena learns what’s going on – vampires are being injected with verveine!

Okay now the pace is so bloody confusing because the Mayor has also collapsed with the bleeding from his ear but – but – didn’t he know what was going on? Didn’t he help to arrange this vampire trap? Plot thickens.

Jeremy and Anna are in an indeterminate place when the cops find her screaming and inject her and drag her away from him, and all he can say is ‘leave her alone’ and in the only thing I don’t find realistic, freaking giant Jeremy is not able to shake this skinnyish police dude off.

Okay, vamps in a basement, and the device is turned off. The only thing keeping them under is Vervaine, but apparently that’s only a sleepy syrup, and so John douses them all in gasoline, because THAT’S NOT INSANE AT ALL, until Anna grabs his ankle, and he’s like “Oh hey, didn’t see you there!”

Once again he dispatches people from the room, and like, you’d think they would have caught on to this move of his by now, and he just stakes Anna in cold blood, and let me tell you, unlike Buffy, they do NOT turn to dust. Anna kind of lies there, veiny. Meanwhile Damon’s just lying there as the whole room goes up in flames, like, do you have a bit of ennui, Damon? MOVE!

Back with Stefan and Elena, Mr. Tall is like “so everyone’s dying back at your house, Stefan”. Elena thinks it’s impossible that it’s the device that felled them because Bonnie de-spelled it, because Bonnie is a witch – but everyone else is like “Uh, sometimes girls lie, you know?” So Elena has any number of crises going on and asks Mr. Tall to find her brother.

Ok so I think this woman is the mayor’s wife, and she finds the sheriff, who hilariously is like “Quit asking me what’s going on until after you unlock me, PLEASE”. Anyway, Mayor’s wife is like “But your deputies took my husband and yet he is not a vampire!” Sheriff is all “Oh, lady, the things you don’t know…”

Downstairs in the burning room, Damon continues casually chatting with people, including the mayor, who Damon is confused by because he wasn’t affected by verveine, but it’s all kind of a moot point because some other vamp, also placidly lying back waiting to die, snaps the mayor’s neck. Could SOMEONE please try to get OUT OF THIS BURNING ROOM? Thanks.

Caroline, post-accident, is assuring Matt she’s fine, which I’m sure means she isn’t, but Tyler is super-passed out, but then when an EMT looks in his eyes, they see what I suppose are were-eyeballs, of amber colour and fast-dilatingness. But before anyone has time to worry about this too much, Caroline passes out.

Stefan’s spidey-sense of super-awesome hearing says that he can hear that the building’s on fire. So Elena and Stefan decide that now’s the time to go and confront John, who’s like “tough beans, I’ve been wanting to do this for about a hundred years”. Stefan takes off to save Damon but John grabs Elena’s upper arm, and is there anything more condescending and offensive than being held by your upper arm?

Elena plays the ‘you’re my real daddy’ card, and asks John not to hurt Stefan, and he folds like a deck chair and lets her keep running, because know He Knows that She Knows. But it’s Bonnie who catches up to Stefan first as he races into the building trying to get Damon out. Bonnie apologizes to Elena for lying about fixing the device, via doing some spell on Elena’s arm. Menawhile, Stefan is facing down the fire….

But as Bonnie continues spell-ing it seems like she’s taking down the flames a little but…for a few seconds. And then they flare up again when Stefan’s down there too…and we think Bonnie’s the total evilest BFF ever who burned Elena’s boyfriend AND his brother –

- and then they stagger out together and Bonnie’s expression is inscrutable and I almost cry from relief. Seriously!

Okay, so at the bar and grill of we-never-go-anywhere-else, Elena explains how the official story on the now-out fire is that the building’s old wiring caught fire. Do people not rewire buildings just so they can have this excuse for arson and vamp-killing? Stefan’s like “yeah, whatever, where’s the brother I just saved”? He’s missing, but Stefan is still mad he can’t hate him. She loves Stefan more though, which she repeats over and over while he self-flagellates that mom always liked Damon best. Smothers Brothers? No?

Anyway, Elena says Jeremy’s at home, and on this night of vamp-killings and fires, she feels like it’s a great idea to run to school and get her dress first, before going home. Note to Elena – NOT ENDING WELL.

Jeremy, Damon. Who informs Jere that Anna is toast. Damon wanted to help her, but couldn’t. Wow, Jeremy is a gigantic giant. Damon offers to erase his memories of Anna, Jeremy’s like “Yeah, you’re not very good at that, since I still feel empty and alone”. He emo’s a little more, and Damon very kindly refrains from rolling his eyes, and says he’s sorry about Vicky, and Jere reaches out with “Is it true vamps don’t have to feel pain?” Damon issues this missive “Life sucks either way, Jeremy, at least if you’re a vamp you don’t have to feel bad about it if you don’t want to.” I mean, it’s slightly more emotional than that, but that’s not what Jere hears.

Hospital. Matt, worried. Tyler, apologetic. Caroline, desperately ill, apparently. Sheriff, striding. I guess that might be Caroline’s mom? Caroline’s bleeding internally and they’re going to do everything they can. Sheriff also has to tell Tyler that there’s some news about his dad he should probably ask his mom about.

Jeremy, in the bathroom mirror, drinks some Anna blood. Followed quickly by pouring out, but not actually taking, a giant number of what appear to be Percocets or something. Now, why he would want to be undead while Anna is dead-dead? Confusing.

Bonnie approaches Stefan, and is like “Damon has to change, or no more getting saved, ever.” She’s pretty cocky about being a witch now, and says if Damon spills any more of anyone’s blood, he and Stefan are both gonna be dead. I like how tough this girl is…although she has an annoying habit of backing away from someone when she thinks she’s made a dramatic point.

Damon finishes having been nice to Jeremy and Elena finds him as he leaves her house. Damon reflects on how much he has changed, since he now wants to save rather than ruin Mystic Falls. Then he reflects on how nice everyone is, including Bonnie who saved him because Elena thinks he’s worth saving.

So he kisses her cheek, in that way that’s so slow and intimate it may as well have been more. And then so, so slowly her lips part, and she looks like she’s tasted something incredible for the first time, and then they kiss – in a way that feels so hungry and apologetic and real –

And then the maiden Aunt Jenna opens the door, and Damon has the grace to look ashamed, and Elena is beckoned inside. Jenna is all “Him. HIM?” and Elena tries not to talk about it.

And THEN Jeremy has cleaned the bathroom counter of pills and lies down and would look vulnerable if only he weren’t A GIANT.

And THEN John is inexplicably in the kitchen (does he live there?) And Elena scares him in the kitchen – and John explains that he hates Isobel, Elena’s mother, because of what she became, because she turned into a vampire, as Elena puts away knives – and she acts like he’s given her a gift – and then she CHOPS OFF HIS FINGERS and turns into a vampire and stabs him in the stomach! And he says “Hello Katherine!”

And THEN OMG Elena just got home and it was Katherine who kissed Damon! It was KATHERINE who had all that depth of feeling! And Elena, who was dumb enough to go to school and NOT get her dress, walks into her house all “Hey, I wonder if Jeremy’s okay? I also wonder if I should get a snack in the kitchen?”


This show is going to give me a heart attack. More next week.

Photos from Wenn.com