Written by Duana

Okay, we are getting close. Some stuff is going to go down. Since Thursday all I’ve been able to think about are Julie Plec’s tweets warning me against spoilers – I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through. And now…

Previously having caught VD, Katherine and Elena are Petrova doppelgangers, which you knew, Klaus was after Elena which you knew, Klaus was possessing Alaric’s body, Katherine can’t leave Alaric’s apartment under his spell, everyone killed Elijah and remembered that keeping the dagger in him would keep him dead, Bonnie went to get the power of a hundred witches to kill Klaus, which might kill her, Elena’s not into that plan, and finally Elena goes rogue and pulls the dagger out of Elijah.

Sorry for thinking it was Katherine. Apparently though I wasn’t the only one.

So Elena sits in the crypty dungeon (with weird fluorescent light) waiting for Elijah, now free of his dagger, to wake up. He looks like he’s made of Papier-Mache. She looks bored. Ominous music – then he SHOOTS back into being with a couple of jerks. Then he inhales “Katerina!” and WHOOSH we’re into my first flashback! And as I get excited and type …

-England, 1492 –

People involved in a quiet party. A straight haired dude is glad Elijah could come, who responds “yeah, particularly given the gift you say you have. Where’s the mystery girl?” If this is a blind date, it’s going to go badly.

And indeed, Katerina turns around and smiles at Elijah, and then he’s with Elena present-day, and he’s flashbacking-and-forwarding, so much so that he tells Katerina she reminds him of someone, and in realtime he’s so confused he passes back out, and Elena’s wondering what she should do for him when he jerks all about again, tries to Vampire-apparate out and then can’t breathe, because of course, he wasn’t invited into said house. He manages to apparate, and Elena finds him crouched at the front door, irritated. Which, no kidding. Think it all the way through, E.

She tells him to quit talking because the Salvatore brothers will hear, and they whisper all sexy “can I trust you?” Quite seriously, I don’t know if Elena’s supposed to have sexual chemistry with EVERYONE, including Bonnie, but she appears to. To prove Elijah can trust her, she hands him the dagger. Yeah, THE dagger.

Stefan wakes up in bed, disappointingly wearing a wifebeater. He yells for “ ‘Lena”, which makes me like him. He walks past some new piece of Damon’s; I believe it’s the journalist from two weeks ago, and hysterically, she and Damon get schmoopy over coffee to the tune of “can I have a snack of your shoulder?” and her being all “Oh, honey, I’m late for work…” so I guess blood and bubblebaths agree with her. Stefan’s all “BY THE WAY SEEN THE GIRL IN DANGER?” but Damon only pouts at his schmoopy. Stefan gets annoyed with their weird PDA, Damon pouts as his girl goes to work.

Stefan sees the basement/crypt/whatever door is open, and they discover Elijah gone. Damon “She didn’t”. I think it says volumes that he knows she did, whereas Stefan can’t bear to think it.

Klaus-ric shoos a henchman out the door. He’s anxious to get out of the body he’s in. We see bits of Katherine (we assume) making coffee. That’s my girl. Klaus-ric explains the henchman’s going to get the real Klaus. He outlines he’s killed the witch, has the moonstone, has the doppelganger nearby. This is classic overconfidence. Anyway, he has to do it because it’s the birthplace of Elena. Klaus then details how he slaughtered Katherine’s family, and it’s not like she expected them to still be alive, did she? Katherine mutters that Elena will die before she lets people she loves get hurt, Klaus-ric: “That’s the point”. Then quick-compells her “You can’t leave before I tell you to”. I believe that point was made, no?

Kat rolls her eyes.

SUV. Elena and Elijah, he’s drinking a bloodbag. She promises she’ll help him, and tell him where she got the dagger, if he’ll help her. They need each other’s help. Elena picks up the phone from her overprotective boyfriend and she’s all “Elijah’s noble and I can trust him.” Elijah starts looking at her thinking how tasty she looks, then holds out his hand for the phone. She hands it over…which seems odd, to me. Like, would he know what to do with it?

Back at the ranch, Stefan thinks about how often Elena ditches him as Damon opines “She’s lost it”. And we have our first bulgy-eye! I don’t remember the bulge happening on Boone, and I don’t actually think it happens on Somerhalder, (not that I spend so much time with him) – so this may in fact be a trait he’s developed for Damon. I love it.

Anyway, Damon says the only option is using Bonnie, and stopping Elena. Stefan says they have to trust Elena. Damon tries to push, Stefan says no.

Pulled over by a suburban driveway, Elena spills to Elijah that Klaus is Klaus-ric, and then we’re in flashback again.

Katerina and Elijah, and somehow only their faces are in full focus. Vaseline lens-style. Anyway, Another dude enters with what can only be a heavy brow, and then we are introduced, as Katerina is, to the Lord Niklaus. And then he kisses her and says ‘call me Klaus’ and I think, SPOILER, that she did. You know?

Big mansion. Elena and Elijah ring for the mayor. Totally unclear on how she knows who Elijah is, but he compels her and they enter. I love Elena’s jacket and apparently Elijah does too because he demands some clothes. The mayor sputters, but politely. Then as she leaves, Elijah explains he got her off Vervain. What?

Meanwhile, Jenna calls Stefan. ‘Where is Elena (and Jere) and why did she tell me to stay away from Rick?” Worst Guardian Ever! Worse than Charlie Salinger, even! Stefan’s all “Don’t ask questions and stay on campus” but she’s at home and is supposed to meet Rick to talk. Stefan’s all “STAY PUT DON’T MOVE”. As Stefan gets off the phone, Damon enjoys a nice sunny-day scotch and then tells his new piece they’re going rogue. Really, he did.

Elijah makes Elena confirm the ‘Martin witches are no longer with us’. Then explains Klaus has Katherine. Elijah’s all “she’s not dead”. THESE PEOPLE’S NAMES ALL SOUND TOO MUCH ALIKE. Or, is it an accident that Elijah and Elena sound the same? Perhaps NOT, friends! Elijah says he has his own reasons for wanting Katherine to pay even though he does want to defeat Klaus.

This calls for a flashback?

Yep. Klaus inhales Katerina’s scent, then sends Elijah away so he can mack on Katherine. But not before he calls Elijah “brother”, and wishes him happy birthday. Really? It’s his brother!! Present day, Elena’s all “pardon?” and Elijah says, and I quote, “I believe the term you’re looking for is OMG”.

Katherine, present day, bored in Alaric’s apartment. Then decides she’ll get drunk. Fun! Katherine is funner than Elena, I’m sorry. Anyway, Damon and Andy, his squeeze, are at the door. Katherine tries to open it but can’t, Damon strides in, all “thought you might be dead”. Katherine’s all ‘I wish’.

Jenna’s. She lets Stefan in. “Thank God you’re not with Rick”. Except of course if you’ve ever watched TV before, Klaus-ric is, indeed, behind him. “Hi Stefan”.

Elijah explains to Elena there’s a whole family of originals. But points out that ‘it’s a long story’. NO KIDDING. Elena is shocked that Elijah wants Klaus dead, as though she doesn’t understand that brothers are annoying. Hi Jere! Anyway, Elijah needs air.

Meanwhile, Damon and Andy (I hate her. I can’t help it) are, in Damon’s words, there to see if Katherine deserves to be rescued. Damon flashes some Vervaine, and says it’ll prevent further compulsion. First he makes her apologize for selling them out to Isobel. That was so many red herrings ago! Anyway, she shoots some vervaine and Damon says she owes him, just as soon as she gets uncompelled.

Klaus-ric finds chopping calming. Of course he does. Jenna, hysterically, is still all scorned-lover and not really aware she’s pretty screwed. After offering Stefan the chance to explain, Klaus-ric starts all the way back at “Do you believe in vampires, Jenna?” Points out that he’s ‘obsessed with vampires’ and then tries to play it off. How about Stefan? Is Stefan obsessed with vampires? Stefan bites out that he’s into them. Klaus-ric goes on about curses that keep vampires and werewolves trapped, and that they don’t care who they have to kill to break it. Jenna maybe, maybe begins to see that all is not cool.

Elijah and Elena on this country walk. Don’t know what I find most amusing, his flapping coat or her Converse or this odd little storytime. He points out some legend, here’s where white ash comes from, etc. Elena’s all “I still don’t get why he wants the curse gone”, and my God, she’s not the only one. I have a degree, this shouldn’t be so difficult to understand.

1492. Elijah and Klaus get awfully close while investigating a parchment Klaus wrote in Aztec about a curse. Huh? Elena is quicker than I am as Elijah explains that the curse of the sun and the moon is fake. It doesn’t exist.

Back at the ranch, Jenna is somehow pretending to eat. Klaus-ric “Vampires are real”. Jenna tries to kick him out. She’s all mad. She’s so cute thinking she makes a difference. Stefan tells him to listen, he says he won’t, Jenna says she’ll leave, Klaus (threatening with knife) says she won’t, Stefan (threatening with knife and slamming Klaus against a wall) says she must, Jenna says she won’t, he nearly vamps out as he screams at her to go – and then Stefan kicks the (momentary) sh*t out of Klaus and books.

Elena and Elijah are still on their constitutional. Elijah makes her beg to find out what’s going on, which is there’s a curse on Klaus only, Elena is the only one who can break it. Interrupted by a phonecall. Stefan, catches her up. Elena’s all “Gotta go, she’s family”. Elijah’s unhappy, Elena’s word means nothing yet. I swear they’re going to kiss all the time. She takes off.

Flashback. Katerina running away from Elijah, she’s annoyed he didn’t catch her. Euphemism for sexual frustration? Klaus promised to spend the day with her, but now he’s ignoring her. She wants to know if it’s wrong to want more. Elijah, to save his poor, tender heart, says he doesn’t believe in love. Then, HYSTERICALLY, Klaus shows up in 1492’s version of a bitchin’ leather jacket. He’s all bloody. Then pulls Katerina away for some celebrating.

Elena races to traumatized Jenna who won’t touch her. Jenna is all “I used to hear bedtime stories about vampires, I can’t believe any of this is true”. Elena mistakenly thought if Jenna didn’t know, she’d be safe. Like Buffy’s mom! Jenna wants to know if even Big L’il Jeremy knows. How about John? Elena has to keep nodding shamefully. Jenna reminds her that she’s supposed to be protecting the kids, is mad, and is scared. Elena comforts Jenna, and everyone in that scenario knows it’s pretty cold comfort, including Stefan, crying outside the door.

There’s a lot of emotion and not too much action, here. Stefan apologizes to Elena who explains Jenna’s in shock. Anyway, she has to ditch him now for her secret mission with Elijah. Stefan’s annoyed, as by now he kind of should be. Now Damon strides down the hall, eye-bulges at Elena that she’s not leaving, and snaps that Andy should stay out of this. WTF is going on? Stefan eventually lets E go. Damon snarls it’s twice today Stefan’s got in his way, and he shouldn’t try a third.

Hooray! Katherine, partying with bourbon! Drunk and dancing. Yay! Door opens, Klaus-ric is back – and she looks like a naughty teen. He hates his body now. She tries to get him to have a drink, but he throws the bottle against the wall. Compels her to sit down and shut up.

Henchman strides in. “What took you so long?” “Gotta lotta luggage”. Please say those are pieces of Klaus. Also arriving is ‘Greta’, who smiles at Klaus-ric like she’s reaaaally missed him. She comments “Nice body. Ready to get out of it?” And then, YES, they start wheeling in a big trunk that I know contains Klaus.

Elena, back at the manse. Elijah’s so pleased she came. She’s down to business though. What is Klaus’ curse? Elijah explains the family was close but Klaus and daddy didn’t like each other because Klaus was a bastard child. Blah-blah-soap-opera drama, because Klaus’ real father was a werewolf, so of course Klaus is both vamp and werewolf.

“Neither can live while the other survives”. Right? It’s so delicious.

Elijah is all “Klaus is such a hybrid that witches suppressed the werewolf part of him”. He wants to form his own race of Were-pires, or something. I can’t make a cute portmanteau. After much brouhaha, it comes to light that only a witch can kill ‘any supernatural being’. Blah-blah full moon, blah-blah when he’s in transition, a witch with enough power could…Elijah says there’s one more thing:

England, 1492. Elijah says witches have found ways to spare the doppelganger, but Klaus doesn’t care. Seriously, who was Katherine’s doppelganger before human Elena? Why are they calling her that? Anyway, Klaus figures out that Elijah loves Katerina and basically calls him a p*ssy. Elijah says in fact the sacrifice will happen.

Present day, Elena’s impressed Elijah found a way to save Katherine. It was irrelevant because Katherine did her own thing that day. (Should I know this?) Elena is impressed he loved her. Elijah, shoving down how much he already loves Elena in a way that is unspeakably clear: “That won’t happen again”.

Mansion of Manpires. Andy tells Damon “Don’t be mad at Stefan, he’s worried about Elena.” Damon kicks her out and gets into the scotch. He and Stefan start bitching at each other. Damon says Andy keeps him from going for what he really wants. Stefan acknowledges that Damon’s in love with his girlfriend, and isn’t ‘girlfriend’ such a weak word in this scenario? Stefan says he doesn’t care because Damon protects her, but that only he has Elena’s respect. Damon throws Stefan against a wall. Elena walks in, barks “STOP” like you do at a dog, and Elijah looks at the boys in disgust.

1492 – Klaus storms in. Katerina has fled. Elijah is all “no, really?” Klaus gets mad and Elijah promises to find her. Brothers, fighting brothers…

Stefan and Damon are BOTH bulgy eyed that Elena let Elijah in. All he wants is an apology from them. Stefan apologizes, with the ol’ “I will always protect Elena.” I’m tired of Elena getting protected. Think she is too? Elena is all proud because according to Elijah, both she and Bonnie can live when they kill Klaus. Damon: “You can all go to hell.” Stefan swears Damon will come around.

What Damon comes around to is Andy in her underwear. “I thought I told you to leave?” Her: “You didn’t compel me”. He abusive-boyfriends that he’s upset, and she has to leave. She says no, so he takes a savage bite out of her shoulder and tosses her, crying, on the floor. This scene is not for the kids. Then he’s all tender, which to me, makes it worse. He compels her to get out before he kills her, and she does, tears still wet on her cheek. And still she looks like she wants to stay.

Alaric’s. Greta, henchman, and Klaus-ric all say incantations. Candles light themselves. Then suddenly Alaric is back. We know because he says “Elena?” before falling down, spent-if-not-dead.

Katherine watches as the henchman cracks open the giant trunk that contains Klaus, now with 2011 haircut. She also looks like she might pass out…

A loooooot of backstory in that episode and the only interesting part was that Elena might grow a spine and Damon hates what a bastard he is. Oh, and Jenna’s in on the game. I’m sure things are gonna pick up soon – I need me some Caroline!